Dan's Papers - June 5, 2009 - Twentysomething...

The stock market has been on quite a roll recently however, so there is reason to be happy folks. Now we are down only 40% instead of half.

One thing that has been positive about my stock market woes is that I have been able to connect with other people who are in the same boat. And when it comes to individual stock trading, any small victory like General Electric, Goldman Sachs or Apple going up in the last couple of months, is celebrated greatly if you pretend that the last year did not actually happen.

Summer is here and one of the biggest pleasures of the season for me is all of the attention that I get from my city friends. Suddenly friends of mine who are impossible to get in touch with become much easier to reach. There is a great pillow that sells in East Hampton shops that reads, "You never know how many friends you have until you own a house in East Hampton."

For people my age, they should sell another pillow that reads, "You'll never know how many friends you have until your friends figure out that your parents own a house in East Hampton."

Now that I'm approaching my late 20s, it's becoming less and less cool to bring friends over to my Dad's house. Why don't I own my own house yet? That's a thought that runs through your mind once or twice. Journalism doesn't exactly cut it, but armed with my real estate license, who knows?

In the mean time, one of the smart things to do when meeting people is to say that your "family" owns a house "in the Hamptons." This is an especially useful way to phrase things for people who think it's cool to use the term "the Hamptons" and whom you just met and are trying to impress. The word "family" sort of implies that you have this great family name and great family fortune behind it. It's something the lord of the manor would say in England. It also can suggest that there may be more than one house. Maybe other members of your "family" have other houses in "the Hamptons."

I also have some friends here who rent year round, and when they explain their "Hamptons connection" they simply state the town of the apartment in a basement they are renting. "Where do I live? Oh I have a place in East Hampton." A very, very smart thing to say. If you're out picking up women, this is an excellent way to phrase it.

Speaking of picking up women, a friend of mine came up with an excellent, and I mean really excellent pick up line. When a woman asks you what you do for a living, respond with the phrase, "I'm a milk man."

I know it sounds weird, but for some reason women think that this is really amazing. This is only relevant if your job is extremely boring. I'll give you a list of jobs that are not boring since that is a much shorter list. If you are not a member of these professions, simply say you're a milkman. Talk about that for around 30 minutes, and then state your real job. They'll think you're hilarious. Okay, so here is the list of cool jobs, but again, if you have one of these jobs, you probably don't have any issues with picking up women, but regardless, here's the list: Fighter pilot, New York City fireman, cowboy, astronaut, UFC professional fighter, marine, and one of the founders of Google.