Dan's Papers - June 6, 2008 - The Y-Factor with Christian McLean

As a man, breast cancer isn't a disease that stares me in the face every time I look in the mirror. In fact, only about 1,200 American men per year are diagnosed with breast cancer in a year compared to over 200,000 women. For men, we experience breast cancer from the periphery, as husbands, sons, brothers, and friends. Our struggle does not come in the form of overcoming chemotherapy or surgical procedures. Instead, we are stranded on the sideline as cheerleaders, feeling otherwise helpless. But we aren't helpless, we aren't bystanders.

The 21st century has told men that they no longer have to be chivalrous - that women are more than capable of fending for themselves - they're our equals and sometimes our betters, but no one can exist without help and support.

The breast, though primarily utilitarian, is also a symbol of sexuality and beauty. The psychological toll of having a mastectomy is much greater than that of having a lung removed. This is by no means a superficial response, but one of cultural, social and inter-personal constraints, which can have long-term effects. While men are powerless when it comes to the surgery, our help as both supporters and listeners are immeasurable.

Men react in different ways to breast cancer. As a "bystander" men sometimes find themselves self-conscious of everything they say and do. Others grow callous or removed. And while ignoring the problem isn't the proper answer, existing as you always have isn't as far a stretch as you think. By harping on the situation, whether for fear or for a lack of understanding, men make matters worse. The process is hard enough for women without their significant other bringing up his fears all the time. The truth is, it isn't your problem. You must understand that everything that the man feels, a woman feels to the Nth degree. Knowing your wife and her ability to cope is extremely important when discussing her breast cancer. Breast cancer survivors say they don't want to hear their partener's fears compounded with their own, make facing the disease even worse. That said, knowing your spouse and her threshold is very important, because you too have to face breast cancer. You have to deal with the fears and reality of it, and women fighting cancer want to know that their husbands care, that they understand, and if they don't understand at least they are trying to. Only a small minority of men will personally battle with breast cancer. For men that experience breast cancer through their significant others, there are support groups and hotlines that can help. Surviving breast cancer doesn't have to be a two-against-the-world scenario. Speaking to women and men that have gone through everything that you are going through can be extremely helpful.

Also, as a man your job is to listen. The majority of you aren't doctors. It isn't your body. You have no real control over anything. You must accept that and then go forward. Supporting and listening to your significant other is so important. You can spend days on the Internet doing research, but without listening to what is actually going on in her life, you will be completely lost.

You must also maintain your sense of humor. As they say, laughter is the best medicine. In studies, women seem to truly appreciate a sense of humor when staring adversity in the face. Don't change who you are. Trying to be someone you're not isn't the answer. Be yourself. Don't walk on eggshells. Anyone can pick up on apprehension, and people in a heightened sense of awareness will see it in an instant. It only makes matters worse.

Bring flowers. It sounds silly, but little things can make a big difference. A bouquet of her favorite flowers is a simple, yet appreciated way of showing your affection. It's these little things that can change everything. All the doctors in the world cannot restore her happiness. Your job is to be strong and supportive, to listen when she speaks, to make her life more enjoyable, and to get her mind off the struggle, but, to also deal with the disease. When in doubt, and as often as you can, tell her she's strong and amazing and beautiful.