Dan's Papers - June 6, 2008

She's your baby. You love her more than any human on earth, unconditionally. You endure her mistakes and easily rise to her apology - in fact, you find her missteps endearing in a way only a parent could.

Now: Are you thinking about your dog or your child?

Of course, if you're childless, you're thinking about your dog (and probably not reading this column). But if you've had a dog and now have a child, it's easy to remember having ascribed those maternal/paternal feelings to your pet.

They're similar, dogs and kids, in obvious and some less expected ways. They both tend to be trusting of humans. They both "sniff" around each other, looking for a connection. That is if your child or dog is outgoing.

I've lived with both - a very friendly dog (a Golden named Ruby) and an extremely extroverted child. Before our son was born, Ruby was our baby. Living in the city, I'd take her out on many of her walks, including that first, urgent one of the day. Some mornings, feeling less extroverted myself, I'd throw on any clothing lying around, have just a few sips of coffee, if that, and skulk into the lobby and on to West 12 Street. Ruby would invariably drag me to every person - with or without a dog, from the doorman to a businesswoman waving for a taxi - to say hello. Unfortunately, that put me in the awkward position of socializing before I was ready. Mental note: If you have a very social dog, always be ready to meet your public.

The same holds true with an extroverted child. Our son thinks nothing of going right up to a group of kids to introduce himself and ask if they want to play with him. On the beach, he'll approach an entire family unit to get in on some extra fun. On Sunday at Two Mile Hollow, he and his six-year-old friend Avery - a kindred spirit - endeared themselves to a group of Korean exchange students who had come out to the Hamptons for the day from the city. He ended up in a circle with the six young women and two men, teaching them Japanese, learning Korean, and breaking up four cookies for everyone to share.

There are many advantages to having an extroverted child. It's a great feeling to hear his friends and schoolmates yell his name when he arrives on a scene; to see him and his five-and six-year-old buddies yell "Huggie session!" and mob each other. His ease with both adults and children is a relief - I know he'll always have plenty of people in his life. That's especially important since he's an only child - his personality helps assuage any guilt pangs of not providing him with a partner in crime.

But there are other worries that come with having a child who will approach and speak to any stranger, who gives hugs freely, who readily rattles off his address and asks people to stop by. How do you tell an affectionate child, particularly a boy who is verbally and physically expressive, not to hug - unless it's a family member, or school friend or people we know well. (He got around that quickly by asking people their names and where they live, thus making them instant friends.)

These are some of the many challenges that, as parents, we have to approach delicately, setting boundaries for our children to keep them safe, while giving them a long leash to be who they are.