Dans Papers - June 8, 2007 - Opossum vs. Prada

Sometimes you just get pissed off and bust out your handgun on an opossum. That's what happened on the night of February the 8th in Westhampton Beach at the Home of Westhampton Beach Deputy Mayor Jim Kametler. The case has finally been declared closed, after being investigated by Suffolk County District Attorney Thomas Spota for months. There have been salary cuts demanded and agreed upon by the Deputy Mayor, there have been meetings held, there has been talk about him getting fired and finally, there is just the plain and unmistakable reality of a frustrated village official who got so annoyed that an opossum dared to cross into his territory that he decided to unleash hell.

So what really happened that night? The following is loosely based on true accounts and police statements.

It was late at night and Deputy Mayor Jim Kametler was trying to get some sleep, but his anxiety was keeping him awake. He had parking tickets on the brain, along with beach permits and variances. He could usually handle the stress, but on this particular night, all he wanted was some peace and quiet.

He got out of bed for a drink of water, turned off the television set, which was still on, took a deep breath and relaxed. He suddenly could feel the weight of the world falling from his shoulders. Sleep would now come. So then he opened the window and listened to the sound of the country. There was absolutely nothing to hear but the blowing of the wind.

The mayor closed his eyes and smiled.

But then, he heard an odd sound. There was a rustle and then a squeak. There was something alive, outside, making noise and it immediately awoke the hunter inside the Deputy Mayor. And that's when he saw it: an opossum, staring at him with it's two beady eyes and crinkly little nose. The Deputy Mayor's heart plummeted. He did not want this animal near his home. "Go on, get out of here!" he said, but the opossum didn't seem to notice. "Go on, I said. Shoo! Shoo!" And then he opened his window and threw his shoe at the opossum and it scampered away. "Finally," he said.

But then he realized that the shoe he threw outside was the wrong shoe. It was one half of his best pair. In fact, his only pair of good shoes. Prada shoes. $1,000 Prada shoes that he had won in an online auction. These shoes were his prized possession. Instantly the mayor popped up out of bed and went to the window to see if he could locate the shoe before venturing outside. But, of course, it was too late. The opossum was back and was poking around in his shoe. "Son of a..." he yelled and he ran out in the hall, then downstairs, then outside, "Shoo, shoo!" he yelled. And he headed outside to grab his Prada shoe, getting wet grass stuck to his feet.

The opossum was not about to back down to the Deputy Mayor and began to drag the shoe all around the yard. The Deputy Mayor chased the opossum from one end of the yard to another in his pajamas. But every time the mayor got close to the opossum it would scoot away with the shoe. It was almost as if it was toying with him. "Do you have any idea who I am?"

The Deputy Mayor snapped. And he marched back inside. This opossum had messed with the wrong guy. Trailing wet grass through the house, the mayor grabbed his .38-caliber Smith & Wesson Chief's Special, his favorite pistol and loaded it. He saw the opossum. "This is the end of the line for you," he said and fired.

But the opossum was still standing and now was smirking at him. He fired again, but right when the mayor pulled the trigger, the opossum jumped.

An expert marksman, the mayor fired a third time and then a fourth and then a fifth. With each shot, another light went on inside neighboring homes. What was wrong? Was there a car backfiring? Nobody fires guns around here.

The opossum was wounded and looked at the mayor as if to say, "Why? Why have you done this to me? It was just a shoe!" and limped off into the woods.

Within minutes, a police officer showed up. Lt. Gonce was concerned at first, thinking that his friend Deputy Mayor Kametler was in trouble. But when he learned the story, he found himself in a bind. After all, what the Deputy Mayor had done was very illegal. The Deputy Mayor had just broken the law of Second Degree reckless endangerment, a misdemeanor and had also broken the New York State Environmental Conservation Law, which states that you can't fire a gun within 500 feet of another residence. But this was the Deputy Mayor, so he would get a break.

After a laugh and after putting the gun away, the mayor went to sleep and the opossum went back to its home, to nurse its wound and tell its friends the story of how he drove the Deputy Mayor of Westhampton Beach nuts for a night.