Dans Papers - June 1, 2007 -

If you go down to the beach pavilions at any of our local beaches, you know you'll come across all sorts of signs. No Dogs Allowed. No Camp Fires. Beach Closes at 5 p.m. No Alcoholic Beverages. No Parking Without a Permit. No Bathing When Lifeguard Not on Duty.

About the most difficult thing to understand, until now, have been the flags. They are up on poles by the lifeguard stand. White means bathing is good. Blue means bathing is risky. Red means no bathing.

Now there is a new sign, put up at all beaches in the Hamptons leading directly down to the water and nailed behind the lifeguard stands. At two feet by three, it is the most conspicuous sign on the beach. It is painted white with big red letters. You read it -- you have to read it -- as you walk from your car in the parking lot toward the surf.

CAPACITY 358 BATHERS

I asked one of the lifeguards at Cooper's Beach in Southampton what all this means.

"We have to count the bathers," he said. "It's the stupidest thing I have ever seen. When it gets to three hundred and fifty-eight bathers, we are supposed to whistle them in."

What I came to learn was that this sign was mandated by Suffolk County. It's at all the beaches for the first time this year. Apparently, the Suffolk County Board of Health has been asked by the Suffolk County Liability Lawyers for their advice on the number of bathers that can be at the beach. There was a lawsuit. Somebody won some money for something having to do with a bathing beach. So now they passed an ordinance. And there are these signs.

I have two issues with the signs. The first has to do with the meaning of the signs. I am a real stickler about signs. I was in a bathroom in a restaurant the other day and read a sign over the toilet that read ONLY PUT TOILET PAPER IN THE TOILET. I thought -- what's the point?

Now, my problems with CAPACITY: 358 BATHERS are many. Here they are.

Does this refer to the WHOLE ocean?

Or perhaps this just refers to the ocean in front of the lifeguard stand? Does it refer ONLY to people who are actually bathing at the same time? Or does it refer to people who consider themselves bathers who are not in the ocean but on a blanket on the beach thinking about it?

If somebody is on the beach who just likes to lie around and is either afraid of the water, unable to swim or of some religious cult that forbids ocean bathing, does that excuse them from the count?

If you are the 359th bather, is it YOU who gets the ticket? Or is it the lifeguard who, for failing to follow procedures, gets the ticket? After all, while you are bathing, you cannot do the count of the number of others who are bathing. You aren't high enough. But the lifeguards are.

Can you tap somebody on the shoulder when you go in and tell them they are IT and they must leave the ocean so it stays at 358?

Is it not true that, as some rooms are bigger than others, so some oceans are also bigger than others? Wouldn't that affect the capacity at a particular ocean beach?

Is that perhaps the maximum number of bathers that it is felt five lifeguards, the usual complement of lifeguards at a beach, could handle at any one time?

Since surfers aren't bathers, are they exempt from the count? What about people on inflatables?

If the beach is smaller than usual, but the depth and width of the ocean facing that beach are larger than usual, does the number of bathers allowed go up?

Is there an underwater sign just offshore of the beach that gives the capacity of the number of fish who can be there? Or the percent of them that could be sharks?

Did the County hire a consulting firm to do a study on the maximum number of bathers allowed at a beach? If so, how much did it cost to do this study? Did all of the taxpayers pay for this or was the cost just in those districts near the beach?

Will the County require a specially designated employee, perhaps a new employee to constantly monitor the number of bathers at a beach and if not, will a lifeguard have to do that? And if so, how will that increase the likelihood of a botched rescue effort?

What in God's name will they think of next?

Well, I suppose none of this matters. What DOES matter is that the next time you go to the beach and you want to go into the water, count the bathers already in.

If there's 358 or more, either don't go in or look both ways and make sure the coast is clear, then go.