Dans Papers - June 1, 2007 - Good Looking People

I was walking around the towns all weekend, hitting up different restaurants, clubs and beaches and I noticed there were a lot of good-looking people in town.

I mean, seriously, like, are you kidding me?

I was on Main Street in East Hampton doing pretty much nothing except saying "hello" to pals that work as managers at these clothing stores that I can't afford to shop at (shout out to locals), when I just looked around and it hit me. Dear God, did it hit me like a ton of bricks. Two girls, one blonde and one brunette, drove by in a Ferrari, followed by a Polo-ed up blonde in a BMW convertible. As I stared in despicable amazement, I bumped into a mom that can only be described as a word that I'm not allowed to say in this newspaper (milf, there, I said it).

"Excuse me," I said, as I just looked this woman up and down.

Then out of Polo walks what looked to me like a young President of the United States. "Come on, honey," he said in a British accent.

I'm loving all these accents out here. There are so many European people visiting this year because the Euro is strong against the dollar and it is just bringing an unsurpassed sexiness to this area. I was at a party that had mostly European people there and the accents just make you think about sex.

I'm having hot people overload. It's almost as if every person in town was cast by a porn director. Seriously, it's almost like everybody out here is playing some kind of role in a movie. Everybody has a genuine look to them, but at the same time, you can't really stop thinking about sex. Or, maybe -- it is just me? Hopefully, it's not, or else this will be one very embarrassing column.

I don't know what the hell just happened, but this summer is the summer of amazing -- and by amazing, I mean insanely hot-people. There is really no other way to describe this situation. Everybody here this summer has a style that just works. If you are reading this, you are one of these people. It doesn't matter what age you are, for whatever reason, maybe it's the food out here this summer, you are hot. The Hamptons is just doing it to you. Go you.

On figuring this out, I decided that the only thing left to do was to celebrate how sexy everybody in town was by having a beer or two that night. I headed out to Whitehouse nightclub with some great friends, including Pentagon John, and let loose. Guess what? There were hot people everywhere there as well, and Fergie from The Black Eyed Peas looked ridiculously, amazingly, outrageously hot.

I'm telling you, I've grown up out here and I've never seen anything like this. Maybe it's all the new gyms and personal trainers that are opening up. I mean, even the deli girl is sexy this summer and all of the fishermen in Montauk look like professional baseball players.

Don't even get me started on the Yankees. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS TEAM? I can't even get into this season. It is so depressing that I almost didn't appreciate the girl in the tennis outfit jogging.

What to do? What to do?

Well, for one, acting like you are not looking at somebody is a skill that I am going to have to learn how to develop a little better. Every time I shake someone's hand, especially at the beach, I've had to repeat over and over in my head, "Don't look, don't look, don't look, don't look, oh damn it you just looked!"

You've got to try to play it cool. After all, you are in the Hamptons and so just by virtue of where you are physically located, you have to have it completely together. But act like it's no big deal.