Dan's Papers - May 22, 2009 - SnoCone Opportunity

If you are one of the Wall Street people now out of work, or an otherwise formerly well-to-do person now out of work who thinks you can no longer afford to come out to the Hamptons, think again.

As I write this, East Hampton Town is struggling to revise their Good Humor truck laws. The Town's efforts are not going to be able to go into effect until next year. And so, for at least this year, those looking to be in the Hamptons this summer with a roof over their heads for very little are going to have one more shot at it.

The old laws were written about 20 years ago, at a time when the Town was happy to have ice cream truck or sno-cone vendors at the local beaches. They did want to have some control over who came and so they created vendor licenses that you had to buy in the spring. They'd have a look at the truck and the equipment. They'd get to meet the person applying for the license. Nobody wanted people or equipment that was not up to snuff selling hot dogs or ice cream or sno-cones to the kids.

Last summer, there were turf wars with the different trucks. And this spring, already on days that have been in the 80s, they are at it again. Two different vendors park their trucks down at the beach and each take up four parking spaces the public might otherwise use. The two different vendors that park their trucks down at the beach and take up four parking spaces each sell exactly the same things as the guy across the way.

When the applicants get their licenses, there is a place on the form where they are supposed to list what they are going to sell. There is also a space where they are supposed to indicate where they intend to park. We have dozens of beaches. Presumably it is one of them.

Apparently, however, the way the law is written, there is no statute that prohibits a vendor from selling something different than what he wrote down. Last summer, and again this spring, there are sno-cone people selling hot dogs and there are ice cream people selling frozen Snickers bars and potato chips.

The statute also does not prohibit a vendor from parking in places other than what he wrote down. A week ago, a truck was parked in a legal spot downtown selling stuff. Turns out you can't keep him down at the beach if he doesn't want to be there.

Back in those days long ago, there was plenty of parking, plenty of beach space and if you heard the jingling of the Good Humor truck coming down your street, you grabbed some change and went down and ran after it.

So what is an unemployed bond trader or securities bundler supposed to do to come to the Hamptons? Easy. In fact, by now you have even figured it out. Get a truck. Get a vendor's license and head on out. There is nothing to prevent you from vending condo purchases on the Upper East Side, or the best cashmere sweaters, or summer hats with big floppy brims or - and I will get to why this is in a moment - the finest mink coats.

When you go down to Town Hall, just make sure your wagon is equipped with the proper equipment for vending sno-cones or ice cream or hot dogs as the law allows. When you get the application, write down Main Beach and sno-cones.

Then head out from New York with whatever it is you want to sell, park on Newtown or Gingerbread Lane and do what you want. Whatever laws the Town will shortly pass will be too late for this summer. They'll be in effect for next year. And so, naturally, you'll be able to bang around and rub shoulders with all those at the American Hotel, Bobby Van's, Nello's, Nick and Toni's, the Laundry or Star Boggs who have survived the crash.

At night, sleep in the truck on the mink coats. There is little better in life than sleeping on mink.