Dan's Papers - May 23, 2008 - The Hampton Subway Newsletter

Christie Brinkley and her kids were seen boarding a train from the East Hampton platform on their way to enjoy "The Spielberg Drop," the wildly successful amusement park ride that has an entrance at the Shinnecock stop. They waved and smiled at our cameras. Russian premiere Vladimir Putin was seen striding through the Westhampton Beach stop on his way to wherever it was, he would not say. In North Sea, golfer Tiger Woods was seen arm in arm with Prudential chief Dottie Herman, apparently on their way to look at a house.

Juan Carlos Sinatra Alexander, the esteemed President of the newly independent African country of Basinoba, visited the Hampton Subway System on Tuesday, May 20. Residents of Westhampton Beach were astonished to see a team of camels pulling a wagon decked out so elaborately that it looked like a float from Mardi Gras headed up toward the airport to meet his plane. The entourage with the President consisted of about 50 people, among them the President's private manicurist and palm fan person, who, because it was a cool day, just walked smartly alongside the President with his fan held straight up.

President Bush met President Alexander at the airport, but soon left Condoleezza Rice to accompany him on his all-day ride. He lunched at the American Hotel with Congressman Tim Bishop (NY-D) and Subway Commissioner Bill Aspinall. The spectacularly appointed Finnish guards, with their red, white and green uniforms, accompanied the President everywhere.

President Alexander became interested in the Hampton Subway when he set out to find a new currency for his country. 1.2 billion subway tokens were found in a giant vault underneath the Hampton Subway headquarters in Hampton Bays. Since the country currently uses the dollar, he offered to swap $1.2 billion for the tokens, an offer that was gladly accepted, as the finances of the Hampton Subway System are in turmoil. The tokens will be the new currency in that up-and-coming country.

President Alexander showered the adoring crowds that lined all the subway platforms with lychee nuts, as is the custom in Basinoba when a dignitary moves through a crowd. He and President Bush dedicated a marble statue of the two men arm in arm on the Westhampton Beach platform. At 3 p.m., President Alexander stopped briefly to enjoy a concert on the Amagansett platform given for him by the celebrated local rock group The Lone Sharks.

Yesterday, the Hampton Subway System filed an application with the Southampton Town Building Department to tear down its headquarters in order to remove 1.2 billion subway tokens from a vault under that building. There apparently is no other way to get the tokens out of there. After the building is torn down, the Hampton Subway System will move to a temporary headquarters in a small house in Quogue. After the tokens are removed, the old headquarters building, built in 1937, will be rebuilt as before.

Objections were raised by residents of Hampton Bays who live near the headquarters, saying that if approved, this would create a huge amount of dust and noise that could keep them up at night and destroy their quality of life for as long as a year.

The Hampton Bays Historical Society filed an objection, saying that tearing down a historic building, constructed in the brutal but celebrated fascist-style prevalent in Germany at that time, would not be the same if it were simply rebuilt. They want all the stones tagged and saved, and then the building rebuilt with the same material. Meanwhile protesters from Quogue demonstrated in front of the current headquarters, bearing signs reading, "NO WHOO WHOOO in QUOGUE PLEASE."

We wish to thank our ruler, President Alexander, for graciously allowing us to adore him on May 20 here in his subway system. He is a delight. And I had a wonderful lunch with him and Condoleezza at noon. Condoleezza is a delight, too.

As cleanup proceeds, with our service people chasing down every last lychee nut and rose petal in the system, I am taking a few days in Cancun to get some well-needed sun after my terrifying one-month long experience on Death Row. Believe me, I will follow the letter of the law from this time forward and forever more. No more stealing for me. I'm done. That was it. You betcha.