Dans Papers - May 25, 2007

Whenever I fly on Delta Airlines, I find myself spending more money on items in the SkyMall Catalog than I spent on the tickets for the trip. This magazine -- actually, a mail-order catalog -- is my favorite magazine in the world, other than, of course, Dan's Papers and our companion glossy, Hampton Style.

You would not believe what they've got for sale in SkyMall. It's stuff that somebody thought up that is irresistible -- stuff that makes you think, "why didn't I think of that?" and stuff you cannot possibly afford, but are glad to have had a look at anyway. The stuff you can afford generally costs less than $100. The stuff you can't is, like, $40,000. I usually decide on at least three things in the former category, earmarking the catalog and taking it with me as I disembark from the plane.

It is a perfect environment for buying and selling. You have an anxious buyer uncomfortable because he is on this thousand ton object that flies, a bored buyer with nothing to do but look through the magazine and a somewhat affluent buyer with a few bucks to spend to make themselves feel better. And all three are attributes of each passenger. My girlfriend hates this catalog for what I end up ordering.

Here's some of the stuff in their latest issue. I should note that many of the items are from Hammacher Schlemmer, Travel Tools, Accessories, Front Gate and Sharper Image, and if applicable are so indicated.

THE FLYING ALARM CLOCK. This digital alarm clock launches a rotor into the air that flies around the room as the alarm sounds, eventually landing up to nine feet from the base. The clock will not cease ringing until the rotor is returned to the clock base. $39.95.

THE REMOTE CONTROLLED ROBOTIC HAMMERHEAD SHARK. The shark can swim up to 40 feet from its handheld remote unit, which is fully submersible. It is able to gracefully maneuver up, down, left, right and backwards and has eye sockets with working lights in them. Ages eight and up. $99.95.

You get the idea. You can buy an all-in-one car seat, baby stroller and booster seat. You can buy full-scale, plastic palm tree fronds that slide onto the blades of your overhead fan like a glove. You can buy toe socks. Somebody realized that regular socks are like mittens, so socks with individual toes are like gloves. You get left and right together for $12.99. This is advertised as an asset in toe gripping when you perform Yoga or Pilates. Who'd 'a thought?

PERSONALIZED BRANDING IRON FOR YOUR BARBECUE. Made from laser-cut, high grade, stainless steel. With a wood handle. $89.95.

SCROLLING LICENCE PLATE FRAME. Express yourself on the road! Simply enter up to five personalized messages (up to 120 characters each) and then use the wireless remote to select one as you drive. Tell that cutie behind you that you're single. Change your message as often as you change your mood. Silver or metallic finish. $59.95.

One of my favorite items is actually two items, one for $159.99 and the other $49.99. I hate going over 100 bucks, but sometimes, you make exceptions. This duo is a couch potato's dream.

SELF-PROPELLED POOL FLOAT. Relax in your pool, sitting in your inflatable pool chair. Two motorized, ultra powerful, underwater propellers (safely enclosed) speed you around the pool effortlessly. Independent joysticks (next to the cup holders on your armrests) give you total steering control. Requires 16 D batteries (not included.) $159.99.

RADIO CONTROLLED SNACK FLOAT. No need to get out of the water for a cold drink or snack - make 'em come to you! Motorized tip-proof float operates by remote control - just press a button and it zips right to you. $49.99.

THE CHILDREN'S ATM BANK. This electronic teller machine helps children learn money management. The machine accepts real coin and currency deposits and gives up to date account information on its screen. Young depositors have their own ATM card and PIN for checking account balance, making deposits or withdrawing funds. Ages eight and up. $39.95.

THE "KEEP YOUR DISTANCE" BUG VACUUM. This cordless insect vacuum quickly captures bugs from up to two feet away. Flies, bees, spiders and other insects are suctioned by a 22,400 r.p.m. motor, sending them through a one-way valve in the extension tube to an electric grid in the handle that instantly kills the pests. $49.95.

Well, they've turned on the seatbelt light and indicated over the PA system that we'll be coming in for a landing shortly. Gotta go. No, honey, it is not going back in the seatback pocket.