Dans Papers - May 25, 2007 - "Cause I Love You, A Bushel And A Peck"

"How much do they want for the clamming permit, Joe?"

"Gee, we need groceries..."

"And the LIPA-suction bill needs to be paid down..."

"We can eat clams by candlelight."

"You know what happened the last time we had a clams by candlelight dinner, we ended up having a little clam of our own."

"Yeah, but that was fifteen years ago, he can get his own clams now."

"I dunno, Joe. Making a clamming permit a priority over bills and food, not very wise."

"Yes, but very Island."

"The spot over by Oyster Lane?"

"Nope, Mama. Got a new spot."

"We really shouldn't."

"I got the coffee in the thermos, made us some sandwiches."

"I'll meet you in the car."

"We'll have to tell the kids, Herb."

"No, just the ones that have grown to 1.5 inches across. We can have them puff over to the conch shell, he can measure them."

"How many do you think might be the right size this year, Betty?"

"At least a hundred. Gawd, I'll miss them if they get chosen, Herb. It's so hard for a mother. You take such a long time to find the right sandy spot. Puff out all the seed, watch them grow year after year, until they get to this size. And now, I don't know how many we'll lose to the lifters."

"Attention, kids! It's time your mother and I told you about the searchers and the lifters. I know you've heard of them, I know you've seen them. I know you've seen friends and relatives selected and taken away. The searchers move through the water looking for us. And once they find us, the lifters appear from above and take some of us with them."

"Where do they go, Dad? Where do the lifters take them?"

"We can't be sure, son. But we, as clams, have always believed that the lifters take us to a better place."

"Don't listen to him! It's not true! It's all a lie! Why are you telling them this, Herb?"

"Now, Eric, please don't start with your horror stories about abduction."

"Listen to me, kids. Listen to your Uncle Eric. Dig, dig down in the silt for your lives! I got lifted once. I went above the blue. I was in a bucket. I saw the face of the lifters. I saw them take a knife, jam it into my best friend, flip open her shell and..."

"ERIC, STOP! Not that horrible story again!"

"But it's true, Betty, all true. They ate her alive and threw her shells away, like she was nothing. If they hadn't dropped me by accident, I wouldn't be here to tell the truth."

"Now kids, calm down. Your Uncle Eric gets a little excited. He was above the blue and couldn't breathe and his mind ran wild. As far as we know, the lifters take us to a better place. A place without worry or pain."

"I'm leaving! I'm starting my own bed. One by the rocks, a place where the lifters never go! Hurry! LOOK! SEARCHERS ARE HERE! PUFF THIS WAY, FULL SPEED AHEAD!"

"Mama, check this out. I can feel a whole mess of them with my toes. Bring the bucket over here."

"Oooo Joe, this is great. Let's get some wine on the way home."

"Mama, look at this. Does it look to you like half the bed is shifting?"

"Huh, yea, it does. Wow, they've moved and inch in the past five minutes. Maybe they're relocating."

"Oh yeah, they'll be relocating right to our kitchen."

"Joe, you don't suppose they know we're here."

"They don't have eyes, no brain, severely impaired problem solving skills. I think we can take 'em."

"Maybe we should feel bad. They are living creatures, after all."

"Okay, we can leave them here if you want, but the next thing on our food chain tonight is bologna sandwiches. How bad do you feel now?"