Dans Papers - May 25, 2007 -Twentysomething... The Explosion

"Dave, did you hear? There was a big explosion in East Hampton." It was my friend Tom from Dan's Papers.

"Yeah, the whole town is shut down apparently. I just heard about it. Manhole covers are exploding and flames are pouring out into the street. You may have to evacuate. They are saying that everything is going up in flames. You'd better get down there."

I had call waiting, it was Kathy Rae, the sales director for Dan's Papers, "Hi Dave, did you hear about the manhole covers?"

"Yes, they are all exploding, according to Tom, and there are eight feet of flames coming out! I can't believe this!"

"You'd better go down there and take some pictures." I had call waiting again. It was my Dad. "Dad, I know. There are manhole covers exploding. I'm heading down there right now."

And, like Batman, I was off.

I saw an ambulance in my rearview mirror. "This is really serious," I said to myself. I pulled over and pondered the whole way -- what could be happening in East Hampton? Manhole covers? Flames? Are we talking space aliens invading the town? Could East Hampton be their first target for invasion? Or, maybe, this is happening all over the country?

It's actually happening. Space aliens have been embedded in our sewer systems in East Hampton for thousands of years and are bursting out of the sewers in preparation for the attack. There is going to be a huge battle and the world will have to unite in order to stop them from processing us into fuel and using us to power their spacecraft. Wait a second, that can't be it, we haven't had thousands of years of sewer systems.

On full alert, I found myself in East Hampton trying to park my car and I noticed that Newtown Lane had been completely shut down to car traffic. According to the police, they were trying to limit the amount of people walking up Newtown Lane and had also told some of the shop owners to close for the day because power was going to take time to be restored.

What the hell is going on?

I got on the phone with another reporter at Dan's Papers, T.J. Clemente. "Do you know what's going on in East Hampton?"

"I'm right here. A manhole cover exploded and the other ones around the area are really hot. I just talked to this one lady who heard the initial bang. She thought it was a terrorist attack at first."

"I thought space aliens. Any idea what could be the cause?"

"I haven't heard anything yet for sure, I'll let you know."

"Alright, keep me posted."

I spoke to a police officer and asked him if there were flames shooting out into the street anywhere. He told me there weren't and that only one manhole had exploded, he also didn't appear concerned about the incident. Which said to me, that there wasn't any immediate danger. And so I walked around a bit, got back in my car and got on my phone to alert everybody on what was really going on. There was no need to panic. I called up Tom to let him know what was happening, "Hey Tom, everything is on fire. Apparently, all of the gas lines throughout the entire village have gone off. I'm caught in the middle of it. There are flames everywhere for miles now. They say that it is going to happen to all of Long Island. Don't come near East Hampton."

I called Kathy Rae. "Hey, Kathy. Everything is going to be fine. One manhole cover exploded. They have the engineers down there and it should be fixed by the end of the day."

I called my Dad. "Hey, Dad. You aren't going to believe this, but old Model T Fords and Mustangs were started by a group of teenagers underground in East Hampton. The Model T's and old Mustangs have been hiding in a secret underground car garage that was constructed by Lion Gardener when the first settlers came to East Hampton. Apparently, the underground garage was built in anticipation that parking would be impossible in East Hampton during the summer months. Anyway, one of the Model T's backfired when it was started, which sent a spark flying into the main gas line in East Hampton, causing the manhole to explode. The police have asked me to bring you down here because you are one of the town's best history experts on these types of topics, so you'd better get down here quick."