Dans Papers - May 25, 2007

Memorial Day Weekend in the Hamptons is a classy version of college orientation. The weekend offers activities for all personalities, ranging from concerts and kite flys to car shows and club hopping. My best friend from college, Seamus, is coming to experience Opening Day in the Hamptons, so I have to show him a good time. Luckily, the East End makes it easy to stay busy.

Since Seamus likes to know what he's doing ahead of time, I planned an itinerary for the weekend. It starts when I get off from work at 5 p.m. on Friday and continues until late Monday evening. The one thing I decided not to tell Seamus about is the traffic in the Hamptons. I'll call it a successful weekend if we can get to half of our destinations on time.

Our first order of business will be to head over to Canio's Books in Sag Harbor by 6 p.m. to see Sara Gordon's slide show on global warming. It may seem weird for two college aged men to attend a talk on the deteriorating shape of the world, but the best way to pick up ladies is to be well versed.

That's why, after watching Gordon present the slideshow Al Gore made famous, we're heading to Beach Bar to regurgitate the knowledge we just acquired. I'll be the designated driver and chauffeur Seamus to Hampton Bays for the TGIF Holiday Weekend Kickoff Party. He gets a free pass from driving this weekend since he conveniently tore the ligaments in his right leg playing basketball. After seeing what happened with Paris Hilton, I'd suggest having a friend drive for the night or get a car service. As cool as it would be to hang out with Paris Hilton, I'm sure you'd rather not be her cellmate.

When the specials at Beach Bar end, at 11 p.m., it's off to Amagansett, where we can chill out to the sounds of Booga Sugar at the Stephen Talkhouse.

Saturday morning is for sleeping, but not too late. At 10 a.m., I'm going to take a hike through the Greenbelt Trail in Sag Harbor, while Seamus watches television in my living room, making sure he keeps his foot elevated. After the five-mile trek, I'll pick up some deli sandwiches and Seamus and I will relax at the beach.

We'll stay at Coopers Beach until 5:30 p.m. so we can take part in the Kites For a Cure Benefit, which starts at 4 p.m. The benefit is for Joan's Legacy: The Joan Scarangello Foundation to Conquer Lung Cancer. Our next stop will be the Vered Gallery in East Hampton for Dale Chilhuly and Gloria Kisch's exhibition, "Glass and Steel -- Flowers." The artists' reception will last from 6-8 p.m.

After the art show, Seamus and I will take our change of clothes out of my trunk and get dressed for Whitehouse nightclub's grand opening. The new Hampton Bays club will have Kendra Wilkinson from the TV show "The Girls Next Door" hosting the event with DJs Vic Latino and George Marino will be blasting the music.

Whitehouse will be a great place to pick up girls. I already came up with my line, as you have to be prepared for these situations. When I see a beautiful girl, I'll walk up to her and say, "I noticed that our eyes met from across the room. You're the only girl who looks interesting here." Depending on how she receives my line, I'll either keep the conversation going or say, "Well, no one else was talking to you." Then walk away. Hopefully, I won't have to get to that point, because then we'll have to leave the club out of sheer embarrassment. But then again, we do have more options, as DJ Joey will be spinning music until 4 a.m. at Beach Bar.

The 29th Annual PotatoHampton will definitely be a challenge at 9 a.m. the next morning. If running 3.1 miles wasn't bad enough, try doing it on less than four hours' sleep. Once again, Seamus gets off the hook for this event, due to the torn ligaments and will be able to catch up on sleep. Upon finishing the race, in (hopefully) under 28 minutes, I'll go back to my house, in Sag Harbor and take a nap.

My dad and grandpa will be at my house, ready for the 7th Annual Bonac Cruisers Classic Car Show. The show begins at 9 a.m. and continues until 3 p.m. on Sunday. I figure a barbeque is in order after the car show, because it's not Memorial Day Weekend without some burgers and hot dogs from the grill.

Since my mom, sister and grandma will be out for the weekend as well, I decided to leave the guys at home to relax after the car show and take the women to see fashion designer Cynthia Rowley at East End Books. Rowley will be signing her new book, Slim: A Fantasy Memoir from 4-5:30 p.m. Once my mom gets going at these books events, you never know how long we may end up there. Hopefully, we'll leave the event some time before 7 p.m. Seamus and I will then start our night on the town at Bamboo for the 2 for 1 sushi and drink specials they offer every Sunday.

Then it's off to Whitehouse for the Juicy and Glamorous Party. This party is the reason Seamus is in the Hamptons for the weekend. He is looking forward to "Flyin' first class/ Up in the sky/ Poppin' champagne/ Livin' my life/ In the fast lane/ And I won't change/ For the Glamorous/ Ooh the flossy, flossy." Or at least listening to Fergie perform "Glamorous" live at the club. Fergie is a tough act to follow, so we'll probably hang out after she sings and then call it a night.

In honor of the military men and women who have died for this country, on Monday I will go to Main Street in Sag Harbor at 9 a.m. for the Memorial Day Parade. Already in Sag Harbor and in a patriotic mood, I'll go on the Sag Harbor Patriotic Tour from 1-3 p.m., which is an event scheduled as part of Sag Harbor's 300th anniversary.

With my family getting ready to leave around 5 p.m. and get back to work Tuesday, Seamus will stick around until 8 p.m. so we can see Paula Poundstone do her stand-up routine at Bay Street Theatre. When Poundstone finishes her last joke, Seamus will be on his way back home and I'll be tucked under my covers, resting up for next weekend. Hopefully, I'll make it through this one.