Dan's Papers - May 15, 2009 -

A swan at East Hampton Town Pond attacked the writer of this police blotter. Luckily, the swan only attacked the outside of the writer's car and didn't deliver any damage. No official report was made. The swan was interviewed, however, about the incident and according to our official swan translator, he said, "If anybody gets anywhere near my wife or my pondfront property, I'm going to peck them to death."

A man in East Hampton was arrested by police after he was caught smoking pot outside of a restaurant. He didn't get to finish his plate of ultimate nachos covered in gummy bears appetizer.

Here's one you don't hear about too often. A 39-year-old resident of East Hampton reported to police that somebody threw two dolls covered with red paint at his home, as well as dirt. The man believes that the dirt came from a cemetery, which when thrown at somebody, brings bad luck. Police were able to confirm that the entire incident did take place. There has been no indication that the attempted curse has done any harm.

Some interesting mischief took place in Hampton Bays that included the destruction of several spaghetti sauce containers in the middle of a parking lot and a pile of cooked spaghetti dumped on top of a car. I guess somebody just really doesn't like spaghetti.

A man was caught stealing from a grocery store in Southampton. The store owner did not press charges, but told the man to not come back. He also gave the man a free buttered roll.

A man in Riverhead was arrested for possession of child pornography. The man is a retired Navy officer and has been a school teacher in Riverhead for the last three years. Terrible, terrible terrible.

Four people in Suffolk County now have swine flue. The other day a woman sneezed and then coughed, and the had a stomach ache, but she felt better later on in the day, so we're pretty sure that we are still at four cases and not five.

A man on the North Fork was pulled over for speeding. Police suspected that the man was drunk after they approached the vehicle and found his cheeks and skin to be flushed and red. The man later proved that he wasn't intoxicated and his skin was red from a sunburn.