Dan's Papers - May 16, 2008 - The Hampton Subway Newsletter

Alec Baldwin, taking a break from his TV show "30 Rock" took the Hampton Subway from Amagansett to Montauk last Friday. He stood the entire time, hanging by a strap, while reading Variety. On Sunday in East Hampton, Paul McCartney spent ten minutes waiting for the express train humming an unusual and striking little tune, but people standing nearby said it was drowned out by the local trains pulling through. Former Secretary of State, Colin Powell, subway-ed from Southampton to Sag Harbor on Sunday.

Juan Carlos Sinatra Alexander, the esteemed President of the newly independent African country of Basinoba, will be visiting the Hampton Subway System on May 20. He will be arriving in his private Boeing 747 at 9 a.m. at the Suffolk County Airport in Westhampton, where he will be met by President George Bush and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, who will then accompany him to the Eastport stop. He will spend the day traveling the entire underground route of the subway from Eastport to Montauk, with a side trip from Bridgehampton to Sag Harbor, where he will have lunch at the American Hotel with Congressman Tim Bishop (NY-D) and Subway Commissioner Bill Aspinall. Rice will accompany the entourage without President Bush, as he must leave for an important meeting with President Olmert of Israel at Camp David that afternoon. Alexander will return to the airport in Westhampton at 7 p.m. for the trip back to Africa.

Why doesn't President Alexander have lunch at Gosmans? It is halfway.

President Alexander will have jet lag. Also, he does not like lobster.

Is it true the subway will be closed during Mr. Alexander's visit?

Jeanie J of Westhampton

No. But there will be delays at the various platforms as the Presidential party comes through. You also will see many Basinoba flags in the stations and on the front of the trains. Also, the Finnish guards who go with the President everywhere.

Why is President Alexander of Basinoba visiting Hampton Subway?

Jolly H of Sag Harbor

President Alexander is purchasing 1.2 billion subway tokens from the Hampton Subway for $1.2 billion to have the token become the official currency of his new country, which is currently using the dollar. Due to official international regulations, it is necessary that the underground portion of Hampton Subway officially be part of Basinoba for a one-year period. He is therefore visiting part of his own country.

We're honored to be visited on May 20 by President Alexander of the Kingdom of Basinoba. We ask that everyone using the subway on that day be polite and respectful of the King and greet him with the official sign of friendship in that African nation, which is by holding your right arm forward and raising your middle finger and wiggling it left and right.

Another thing you might notice during his visit is the persuasive smell of garlic that will fill our subway tunnels. Wherever the President goes, his attendants fill the air with his favorite scent, which he says reminds him of his youth growing up on a garlic farm in the southeastern corner of his country.

Riders also will notice a slowdown in our service during the two days prior to his arrival as workmen from Basinoba scrub the accumulated soot off the interior walls of the subway system with special brushes. These walls have not been cleaned since the Subway was built in 1933. Be aware that the trains must slow down as they go by these workmen to give them time to get out of the way. It's possible you might see them alongside the subways just outside the subway windows as you move along. Don't be alarmed. This tribe of workmen from north central Basinoba, white-skinned with red hair, has bones through their noses as a sign of their tribal membership.

A bronze life-size statue of the two Presidents, Bush and Alexander, commissioned by my office and designed by noted sculptor Alexi O'Malley, will be in place on the Eastport platform as the two Presidents arrive. There will be a short ceremony to dedicate the statue there.