Dans Papers - May 18, 2007 - Now Comes The Hamptons Labor Shortage

It is one thing to chase after illegal immigrants, particularly those with no papers who have been in trouble with the law. It is quite another when the Immigration Service chases after LEGAL immigrants. Surprised? That is exactly what they are doing.

I am talking about the several thousand people who get tourist visas and work permits for ten months to come here from other lands to help out in the summer resort towns of the East End. They do this legally. They get papers good for ten months. Then they can get them renewed. They come here openly, from Sweden, Japan, Ireland, Jamaica, Mexico and dozens of other countries and they take jobs at very little pay for the resort season, send some of what they make home, then go home themselves and come back again on the next year's permit.

It is estimated that there are 3,500 workers who come to the East End under such circumstances. It works well for everybody. That they go home and come back gives the American bureaucracy a chance to review them. Were they good? Did they have special skills? Do we want them back next year? It should be an individual decision. It isn't.

These are not people with no papers who sneak into this country in the back of a truck. These are people who are here seasonally, with permission, by invitation and with a clean record, who work as bartenders, roofers, landscapers, painters, pet groomers, you name it.

Our federal government is now refusing to renew work visas wholesale. And it is clearly quite deliberate. A sentence on one application of a worker in Montauk ends with what appears to be a comma rather than a period. Take it back and reapply. One applicant filled out the period he'd like to work as "March 15 to Jan. 3" on one sheet and "mid-March to New Year's Day" on another. Take it back and reapply. To go through the re-application process will take six months, by which time the summer will be over. We can do it faster, but that will cost you $500 and we can't tell you how much faster we'll get to it, they say. Obviously, the U. S. Department of Labor has no interest in helping the businesses of the East End get their workers out here to take care of the customers this summer. It's going to be a heck of a mess, because there is nobody else.

Our Department of LABOR is now in the putting-workers-at-leisure business.

So what do we do, just thirty days from the start of summer? Here are some ideas.

The wealthy homeowners themselves, when they get out here, can be taught how to do much of the work. Give them a tool kit. Show them how to fertilize a lawn, clean a swimming pool, repair a wooden drawer, clean a toilet. It will do them good. Give a billionaire a fish and -- after seeing somebody properly season and grill it -- he will not be hungry for the day. Teach a billionaire to catch a fish, well, you know.

A vast majority of children do not work. Maybe they cannot tend bar, but they could be trained to give tickets to people who park illegally, mop a floor or take leaves out of a gutter. In England, one-hundred years ago, many children worked as chimney sweeps. Many of the new cutesie McMansions have half a dozen chimneys. Get those kids down those chimneys. No telling WHAT is down there. I have a friend who taught his dog to pump gas into his car. It's a start. The U. S. Department of Labor has pointed out that this government has a special arrangement with the Czech Republic. They have a special form to fill out to come here, form J-1. They are trying to be helpful. They suggest we charter a C-47, land at the Prague Airport and just round them up.

Restaurants should consider serving food cafeteria style this summer. It can be kept warm if sterno is used properly. For further saving, have the patrons go in the kitchen to cook for themselves. There's nothing like a home-cooked meal. Send a truck with a P.A. system on the roof to North Carolina, to explain the problem to all the local Bonackers that moved down there during the past ten years because they could not afford to live up North with just seasonal jobs anymore. Appeal to their sense of justice. They sold their little houses for a million dollars. It should be okay for them to work cheap for one summer for the rich, wouldn't hurt them.

Teach the rich to "go rustic." Let the lawn grow, let the garden get wild, drain the swimming pool. There's global warming coming. Gotta do your part.

Don't hire summer traffic police. The hell with everything. Let people fend for themselves downtown.

I know a guy who can teach people how to cut their own hair.

Next year, when the U. S. Department of Labor employees rejects everybody, there will be nobody left to reject. So they'll all be out of work. Get them out here pumping gas.