Dans Papers - May 18, 2007 -Twentysomething... Am I Jewish?

I'm a mutt. A lot of people are when it comes to their nationalities. But not a lot of people are religious mutts. And I'm a religious mutt. My Dad is Jewish and my Mother is Catholic and it has made my life as a Jirish man very confusing on an almost daily basis.

When I meet somebody with Irish, Romanian, Russian or British heritage, then I can say that I am also that nationality, because my father is a mix of Eastern European and my mother is Irish and British. This happens all the time to people. People came over from Europe and mixed. It's always funny to see a half Italian person in an Italian restaurant or cooking Italian food and remind everybody at the table that they are Italian. Yes we know, your food is awesome, don't rub it in, we all think.

But these are nationalities. Religion is different because it can be a personal choice if you want it to be, but most people go with what their parents are. If their parents are of different religions, which is rare, usually one is celebrated more then the other. But for me, it has been Even Steven.

As I said, my Mother is a Catholic and my Dad is Jewish. So I've learned to just be one or the other depending on where I am. For example, when I'm in East Hampton, I'm very Jewish. When I'm in Manhattan, I'm also very Jewish. When I meet somebody that is Jewish, I'm Jewish and when I'm with my cousins on my Dad's side, I'm one happy Jew.

When I'm in Boston, however, I'll emphasize being Catholic. When I'm in Montauk, I just say I'm Irish and nothing else gets asked. If I'm dating a Jewish girl and their family asks me what I am, then whoa boy, I am more Jewish than Woody Allen and consider John Stewart and Jerry Seinfeld distant relatives.

But what the hell am I, really? This is a question that has plagued me my whole life.

When I look back at the upbringing of my brother and I, I can see why the heck I'm confused. I went to Stella Maris (then St. Andrews) Catholic Grade School in Sag Harbor because I had behavior problems in kindergarten at Springs. The nuns there straightened me out real quick and I became an A student within a year, because I was afraid of going to hell if I didn't hand in my homework. I was a good little Catholic boy back then and even sang in a church choir, but would still go to Passover with my Dad's side of the family.

When I got older, I learned about the Holocaust and all of its awfulness and became fascinated by it. How could I ignore my Jewish heritage with something like this happening in history? At this point in my life, I was always saying I was half Jewish and people would look at me cock-eyed.

Then one day when I was a senior in high school and I just said to myself, screw it, I'm Jewish. I'm circumcised, damn it and I'm tired of all this confusion. Plus, the idea of going to hell isn't appealing to me. Heaven sounds good, but I figure that if there is such a thing, then when I die, it will get worked out, because God knows I'm a good person. Plus, I'm a huge worrier (most Jews are) and worrying about hell is just horrifying.

When I went to college in Boston for my first year, I started telling people I was Jewish and, of course, some stickler pressed me on it, "You said you are Irish. How can you be Jewish and Irish?"

"Well, I'm half. My Mom is Catholic and my Dad is Jewish," I said.

"Well then you're not Jewish. In order to be Jewish, your mother has to be Jewish. It all passes from your Mother, so you are not allowed to be Jewish unless you go through a whole process. So you are really a Catholic."

He blew my mind and I checked with a couple of people and learned he had a point. The Mom is more important, when it comes to passing on being Jewish than the Dad.

Not wanting to give up being Jewish, I simply lied to most people, said that I was Jewish and began a long road of confusion, resorting to being whatever religion suited me at that moment. I was like a religious super hero. If I had a super hero name, it would be Chameleon.

I'm really both when I think about it. I like to eat, I'm funny and I'm a writer and an actor. On the other hand, I like to sail and play golf, I like adventure and physical activity and am attracted to horseback riding. Go figure, I'm just a man of the people.

But what am I really? I'm so sick of only letting half of me take pride in things that are a part of who I am. It would be nice to take pride in being officially something.

I called my grandmother on Mother's Day. She is a very Jewish grandmother who raised my dad and my aunt in Montauk while running White's Drug Store with my late grandfather. She still owns the building to this day. And I got to talking with her about religion. "I don't know, Grammy, I feel Jewish, but technically, I don't think I am because my mom isn't Jewish. So, I guess I just have to say that I'm half and half. I don't want to give it up."

"That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. You're Jewish!"

"But don't you know that it has to go through your mother? The father doesn't count."

"You had a ceremony."

"When you were circumcised, it wasn't done by some doctor. It was done by a Rabbi and it was a religious ceremony and Rabbis can't just circumcise anybody, they have to be Jewish. And so on that day the Rabbi made you a Jew."

"Yes, so there you are. You are Jewish, it's simple."

And just like that, Grammy made a lifetime of confusion perfectly clear.