Dan's Papers - May 8, 2009

So far, health officials in Suffolk County are saying that the swine flu is not considered a threat and the East End is considered safe. We can all breathe a little bit easier, or then again, maybe we shouldn't breathe. Bacon, hmmm.

A man in Westhampton reported to police that somebody stole the subwoofer out of his SUV. A dog in Westhampton woofed at a man who was walking close to his property, the man backed off and the dog then subwoofed, then brought it down to a gentle growl.

A man in East Hampton didn't immediately pull over after police put their sirens on after he made an illegal U-turn. The man drove his truck in excess of 60 mph before finally pulling over. When he did pull over, police found the man to be carrying undersized clams which he caught earlier, in the bed of his truck.

At a nightclub in Hampton Bays, a man was arrested when he attempted to climb in through the window of the nightclub on the top floor after he was denied entrance into the club. Now there is a dude who really needs to take into consideration what his priorities are in life.

A man in Southampton was pulled over by police and charged with aggravated unlicensed operation of a motor vehicle in the second degree. He was also aggravated emotionally after receiving a ticket.

Even the thugs in East Hampton have an eye for class and color design. It was reported to police that gold graffiti was painted outside of a public restroom in Amagansett. A full investigation is underway.

A woman in Quogue reported to police that somebody stole over $3,000 worth of patio furniture from the deck at her home. The woman then looked into the theft herself, and realized that the thieves actually used the patio furniture as well as boards of her deck and benches from a nearby ocean club to fuel a large bonfire. Police are putting in a full investigation.

A man in Sag Harbor was seen walking in the middle of the bay up to his neck without any clothes on early in the morning. A woman was going to report the incident, not because the man was naked, but because she was concerned that the man was going to freeze to death from the cold water. When the man got out of the water and toweled off, he explained to the woman that he has been taking dips in the bay every morning for the last 30 years and he's pretty sure that's what's keeping him so healthy.