Dan's Papers - May 8, 2009 - The Sheltered Islander

MADISON, Wis. - A nurse was called out of surgery so a manager could tell her she was being laid off ... The Madison-based health care provider announced Wednesday that it planned to "immediately" lay off 90 employees. Dean Health spokesman Paul Pitas said the incident happened at Dean's West Clinic in Madison on Wednesday or Thursday. Pitas declined to name the employees involved or what type of surgery the nurse was attending when she was called away.

I've heard of getting laid off on short notice, but this really takes the cake. The employers should at least let you finish your shift before laying you off. Geez, what if that happened here?

Patty: "Look at the ferry guys, Mary, they just took our money, now they're coming back this way again. Wait a minute, they're handing money over to people, what's going on?"

Ferry Worker: "We just got a call, we've all been laid off effective immediately. We're giving everybody their money back before we leave."

Patty: "Whaddaya mean leave? You can't go in the middle of the trip! You gotta get us docked and off the boat!"

Ferry Worker: "The heck we do! We're being picked up now. You people will be fine, the tide is coming in, you'll run aground on the Sag Harbor beach."

Patty: "I don't wanna run aground in Sag Harbor, I wanna run aground at Bridgehampton Commons! Wait! Come back here!

Mary: "Forget it, they're all going over the side on a rope ladder. That clam boat is picking them up. Everybody's getting out of their cars, let's see what we can figure out together."

Passenger 1: "We're drifting sideways, can't we straighten the boat out somehow?"

Patty: "You can go up in the wheelhouse and try to drive, but it's like trying to steer a giant soap dish."

Mary: "Well, we're moving fast enough. I can see people on the beach starting to stand up and look at us. HEY! On the beach! Get your kids out of the water!"

Patty: "Some of the men are running into the water, what are they going to do? Swim out to us? They should just stay where they are, we'll be there in a minute. Unless, of course ... they're going to try to board us."

Passenger 2: "That's it! Those Sag Harborians have wanted their ferry for years, they're going to try to board us and take our ship!"

Passenger 1: "Not without a fight! Attention everyone! Prepare to repel boarders!"

Patty: "Search your cars for whatever can be used for a weapon!"

Passenger 1: "Here they come! I count six men, but that's probably just the first wave. Cast off the rope ladder!

Mary: "Patty! What are you doing? I have to return that toaster to Target."

Patty: "It's no longer a toaster, it has been re-purposed: It is now a defense weapon! Watch this! Hey! Saggie! Smile!"

Mary: "Bull's eye! Way to go Patty, you knocked him out!"

Patty: "Go get the kids' car seats! They'll never take us alive!"

Dan's Papers May 8 Edition:

Islanders Repel Saggies!

An attempt was made by the residents of Sag Harbor earlier this week to commandeer a Shelter Island Ferry. Islanders, in a valiant attempt to save their vessel, put up a noble fight until their ship ran aground and the superior numbers on the beach overwhelmed them. Choosing to destroy the vessel rather that have it and all its technology fall into the hands of an envious neighbor, the Islanders set the boat ablaze. Sag Harborians saw the smoke from all points of town, and thinking it was just a hell of a bonfire, hundreds arrived with marshmallows and beer. Several Saggies, obviously under the influence, claimed they were attacked with toasters, child seats and other objects as they attempted to board and assist in what appeared to be an out of control ferry. These two tribes have lived together in peace for generations, separated only by a thin strip of water. We can only hope that the peace of the South Fork will be restored and the Islanders will give up their obvious attempt to create a new landing zone on the Sag Harbor beach. We will publish updates as we receive them.