Dan's Papers - May 8, 2009 -

Madonna was seen riding the subway from Southampton to Water Mill. She was one of just five passengers in her car and she was listening to an iPod and pole dancing. Colson Whitehead, the young author of the stunning new book Sag Harbor, was on the Sag Harbor platform waiting for a train. He was reading last year's big book In the Hamptons.

The Hampton Subway Internet suggestion box, where riders can anonymously send e-mail suggestions without fear of reprisal, has now been stolen. With the theft of the original wooden suggestion box from the wall on the platform at Hampton Bays three weeks ago, there is now no way to make suggestions to the Hampton Subway.

A gangland style heist at a bank on Main Street was thwarted by Gladys Henderson, our alert token booth clerk, last Friday afternoon.

Apparently, a getaway car with two thugs inside pulled up in front of the Chemical Bank at 2 p.m., and one wearing a mask got out, ran into the bank, pointed an index finger and demanded "your money or your life" of teller Iris Thimblefellow. She swiftly handed over $156,000 in cash to the thug, who stuffed it in a black luggage case, then ran out of the bank, up the street and down the subway stairs to the Southampton platform and the token booth.

The driver of the getaway car then drove 100 feet and re-parked in front of the Southampton Ice Cream Shop. He was meant to be a decoy while the main robber made his getaway apparently, because when police came to question him, he was sitting on a bench outside eating an ice cream cone and said he knew nothing about anything. A search of the car revealed nothing. The police had to let him go.

Meanwhile, the masked burglar with the luggage case shoved $2 bills under the glass of the token booth and said, "One to Southampton." Gladys was startled by this since he was already on the Southampton platform, but she obliged, and he ran off and hopped the next train.

Gladys then called the police, told them what had happened and that it was odd he'd said Southampton, and so the police arrived en masse and waited 40 minutes until the train made its full loop of the system, then arrested the robber as he got off.

Caught red handed with the loot was 32-year-old Charles Bancroft, blond haired, blue eyed, about 6'1", and very surprised. He was unarmed.

A petition signed by 21,014 straphangers has been presented to the subway's main office in Hampton Bays. It says that the just opened Le Somielle dining car is an affront to working people since all it really is, is a French restaurant with slow service that results in their not being able to get anything to eat before they arrive at where they are going. Also, the prices are so high only those very rich actually not going anywhere except around and around can afford it. The smell of this excellent French food in the other cars, particularly to those who have not yet had their morning coffee, drives everybody crazy.

I am vacationing here in Acapulco at a hermetically sealed oceanfront resort. I have just learned of the quick work made of the robber who took the subway to Southampton. I propose Gladys Henderson be employee of the month if we have not already selected one. I have also been told about the petition.

I have immediately contacted our board, and by a vote of 4 to 3, have gotten approval of a new rule that would prohibit bringing any firearms on board any of our subways. This is a ban system wide. Severe fines will accrue to those who try this.

As for the dining car, we have a one-year lease with Le Somielle, so there is nothing I can do. We have a rule against subway riders bringing food or drink on the subway of course, and we did consider amending it to allow such items during the duration of the lease, but that proposal was rejected 4 to 3. The food and drink ban stands. And now guns.

Our souvenir book One Year on the Hampton Subway is now out. It chronicles the riots, escalators gone berserk, explosions, boxing matches, subway car races and the 90 pound raccoon that ate an environmentalist during the attempt to remove her from the subway air vent in Hampton Bays. We all remember that. It is on sale in all four Bookhampton Book Stores (Amagansett, East Hampton, Sag Harbor and Southampton.) It can also be bought either online at danshamptons.com, over the counter at Dan's Papers or by calling 631-537-0500. The cost is $18.48 plus tax, grand total $20.