Dan's Papers - May 8, 2009 - SUSAN BOYLE, BIRD STRIKES AND WOODY ALLEN

The FAA held a press conference about bird strikes the other day. The number of birds is increasing. The number of strikes is up. But the damage is down. They've abandoned scarecrows and hoot owls on the runways because the birds have gotten used to them. But they are finding some success scaring the birds by firing salute cannons when the birds are on the runway. The gun is fired. The birds take off. Then the plane takes off. Hopefully, they keep that straight.

How can bird strikes be up but the damage down? Three theories. Birds have better reflexes. (Practice makes perfect.) Pilots have better reflexes. (Practice makes perfect.) There's been a change in bird tactics.

General Goose stands at the front of the crowd. Okay, this isn't working out. Our losses are staggering. The only double hit we had resulted in a pancake landing in the Hudson and the guy is a hero. We're going to try diplomatic negotiations. We use the runways Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. They use them Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. Meantime, keep up the strikes but reduce the squadron sizes. We want the enemy to be aware we can still do this, but we don't want anybody hurt. Keep it up, rat a tat tat, in the background. And no heroics.

The birds, by the way, call these incidents Plane Strikes.

The FAA released an animated video of the strike that caused the Hudson River landing. This joins the ever-growing list of video games where you can see how many times you can land successfully in the Hudson.

As for Sacramento, it's on the Pacific Flyway. Stay away from Sacramento.

Susan Boyle, the homely Scottish spinster who conquered the world with her unbelievable voice on "Britain's Got Talent," has gotten a makeover. It's the worst thing imaginable. She came out just as herself, with no chance whatsoever of impressing anybody, and issued forth such a completely unexpected and stunning performance that it just made everybody's hair stand on end. What a surprise! Now she looks 10 years younger and all duded up could pass for somebody who might have a chance, so who cares? She's ruined herself. And who thought of doing this makeover anyway? Get rid of it, girl.

Meanwhile, things are getting worse. Simon Cowell announces, "Hey girl, you haven't won it yet. There's still lots of competition." I know, I know, somebody told him he had to do this to save the show. But it is impossible.

This man has no brain. It's over, Cowell. A hundred million people are dazzled. She has to win. So there goes the show for the rest of the season.

The latest report from "American Idol" and "Britain's Got Talent" is that both Cowell and Paula Abdul are saying this will be their last season with these shows. Ugly can do this.

As you probably heard, former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, he of the bad hair, the spinning moral compass, impeachment and indictment, has flunked his attempt to get on the new reality show "I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here."

He certainly did screw up. He announced he was going to be on the show before it was agreed upon. He hadn't yet gotten permission to leave the country for the Central American jungle from a judge (the judge refused) and then he flunked the audition. Now he says he's going to promote the show anyway, and they're going to have him on as some sort of game show host assistant bringing the votes out to the chief or something.

The idea of "I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here" is that they set you down in the jungle, snakes and spiders bite you and the studio audience and the general public decide which of these third-rate celebrities gets the axe. They axe one a week. The last one standing wins some money.

People will just do anything for money. If people were told they could be on TV if they'd agree to be smacked in the nose with a wooden mallet they'd ask when. NBC came up with the idea of this game show and looked to see who could possibly be the most miserable third-rate celebrities to put into this thing and came up with Blagojevich. They offered him $60,000. He got all excited.

What is this man thinking? His world logic seems to be "I am really cute, so no matter what I do, it must be right, which means I can do anything and it would be a big hit."

Perhaps after this gig, he'll become a professional wrestler. He has to put food on the table after all. Is this man married, by the way?

IBM has announced that it has developed a computer that can beat a human on "Jeopardy." Scientists say that if this is true, this will represent a huge advance in machine intelligence that will make the computer that beat the tar out of World Champion Chess player Garry Kasparov look like a simpleton.

Woody Allen has filed a lawsuit against an ad agency in Los Angeles for using his image without his permission. A full-length photograph of Allen wearing these nicely made Italian three-piece suits that have apparently been put on him digitally appears on billboards in California. The amount he is demanding is $20 million to compensate him for the ruination of his reputation.

This was a really stupid thing the ad agency did, and I don't approve of it. But on the other hand, the agency has hired a really creative lawyer who apparently feels that the best defense is a good offense. He is arguing that the value of an image of Allen on a billboard is not worth $20 million at all. It is worth just a little more than nothing. And the reason is that Allen has already ruined his own reputation.

Since this approach sort of concedes that what was done was wrong, it now immediately opens the court to a discussion of the value of the fine to be imposed, and that means a discussion of exactly what his reputation is worth. They will bring up his scandalous courtship of Soon-Yi, numerous bad movies and who knows what else.

In the end, Allen will get nothing but an apology, a handshake, a whole lot of bad publicity and the plot for his next movie. I wonder if this has all been planned ahead.