Dans Papers - May 11, 2007 - The Sheltered Islander #447

The Island is swarming with trucks doing all kinds of work and errands. On Shelter Island, men know people by which car or truck they drive. On more than one occasion, when I'm on the phone with a man whose trying to recall who I am, he asks, "What do you drive?" And to my surprise, when I identify my 1990 Red Ford Aerostar with the dark gold stripe along the bottom, he knows right away who I am.

"Oh yeah.... the red van lady. You drive way too slow."

"And what do you drive?" I asked, like I knew anything about what anyone drives on the Island. He described his truck in detail. I bet any man on this Island would have known his truck on the third detail. Then I remembered... the famous Shelter Island Vehicle & Driver Identification Chart!

Level 1 Trucks and Drivers: The truck is an ordinary pick-up truck, at least eight years old. No dogs, no trailer hitch and an uncracked windshield. At this level, the driver can identify 25% of the workers on the Island by their vehicles and 10% of civilians.

Level 2 Trucks and Drivers: Trucks are nine years or older. They have a tool box, trailer hitch and one dog (undetermined breed) in the back of the truck. The driver's seat has at least one duct tape repair. The driver is beginning to learn Spanish by osmosis. At this level, the driver can identify 50% of the workers on the Island by their vehicles and 25% of civilians.

Level 3 Trucks and Drivers: Trucks over ten years old. The tool box has a broken lock, two dings in windshield, a trailer hitch, one Labrador (must be a Lab) and one crushed side panel that has been hammered out by an amateur. On a damp day, the truck always smells of bait and Budweiser. Although he is resisting learning Spanish, he has learned basic phases, like, "Where's my hammer?" and some curses.

Level 4 Trucks and Drivers: Trucks have all of the above features, plus, they have used up an entire roll of duct tape on seat repair. There's greasy stain evidence of dashboard pizza (last night's pizza left on the dashboard to warm in the sun and be ready by lunch). Many Level 4's tow a small trailer containing a lawn equipment and large trash barrels. The driver can identify 75% of the workers on the Island by their vehicles and 25% of civilians.

Level 5 Trucks & Drivers: The driver must wear sunglasses repaired with black electrical tape. Drivers know exactly where to park at the job site to get enough sun to cook anything on the dashboard - lasagna, manicotti, muffins - and keep coffee hot. The truck's dents have rusted into a mottled pattern like a modern art sculpture. The Driver speaks so much Spanish, he no longer presses one for English.

Level 6 Trucks and Drivers have all of the above, plus a driver's side door that can only be opened by reaching through the window and lifting the handle from the outside. These trucks can be identified as they pass by the rust patterns the dents have now created, like spots on a leopard. From this level and up, ONLY the driver knows all the tricks required to drive this truck.

Level 7 Trucks and Drivers haven't even bothered to take the keys out of the ignition for over two years. There are now ragged back support and seat cushions in the concave depressions formerly known as the front seat. The truck has either a salvaged door of a different color, or a plywood tailgate, or any other type of repair that involves permanently affixing plywood to the vehicle.

Level 8 Trucks and Drivers can be identified by the sound of their engines ten minutes before you see them. They have a cooler and rod holders affixed to the front bumper. Their car seats are now an exact mold of their bodies, absolutely no one else can sit in the driver's seat without falling over. They can identify all the vehicles and workers on the Island and all the civilians.

Level 9 Trucks and Drivers. Level 9's are Level 8's who FINALLY got a brand new truck. Nothing is allowed in the truck but the driver himself, his newspaper and coffee, but only HIS coffee. Passengers may sit silently in the new truck but not touch anything! The radio station cannot be changed, the seat cannot be adjusted, the visors cannot not be flipped down. Level 9 drive their new trucks around the Island once in the morning. After the viewing, they switch to their Level 8 "work truck."