Dans Papers - May 11, 2007

Every year, it gets more and more difficult to get an East Hampton Village Beach sticker. You can always get one if you are a year round resident, of course and as a matter of fact, if you are a resident, they are free. But if you are not from East Hampton, you've got problems. This year, there are only 2,500 beach stickers being sold to people who are not from the Village - the cost is $350 each - and they go very, very fast. The last I heard, even though they officially went on sale on May 1 on a first-come-first-served basis, there was so much friend-of-a-friend stuff going on that the stickers were sold out three weeks before May 1.

To make matters worse, people who lease a home in East Hampton Village for the summer season are NOT judged to be year round residents for the first time. Let me repeat that. If you have just set down $90,000 for a Memorial Day to Labor Day rental in this village, you are not going to get a beach sticker to park at the beach in East Hampton Village. This spring, legendary tantrums have been thrown over this by both highly-paid Wall Street types and lowly-paid Village clerk types. And the bigger the summer rental cost, the bigger the tantrum. It's just too bad. Last year, you may have gotten one. This year, you will not.

I might add that you can't buy one of these things from somebody who already has one. The reason is that, when you go to village hall to get one, you have to show them your car registration. They use indelible ink to write on the beach sticker the license plate number on your car registration. You post the sticker in the window of that car. If it's posted in the window of a car that does not have that license plate, you still get a ticket. So it won't even do you any good to scrape one off of somebody else's car and use it on yours. They have thought of everything.

The reason that the East Hampton Village Beach sticker is in such demand while the beach stickers in our other communities are not is because of Main Beach. There are six beaches you can go to in East Hampton Village with this sticker. And five of them are not Main Beach. The sixth one, the one everybody really wants to go to, possesses the most wonderful beach pavilion in the Hamptons. Originally built around 1920 in the English "cottage" style, it has a grand front porch, numerous private cabanas, lockers, showers, bathrooms, lifeguard equipment facilities, a lounge, a snack bar and souvenir shop, covered picnic deck, and an office. It stands head and shoulders above any other beach pavilion built in the Hamptons. In 1980, when it became apparent that the building would have to come down because it was so old, they simply measured it up and built an exact copy of it. It's one of the best things the Village ever did.

I have two suggestions on how we can solve this problem. One is kind of long-term plan and simply involves building grand beach pavilions at the other beaches to take the pressure off of this one.

The other, however, is absolutely ingenious, if I do say so myself. Next spring, when beach sticker time approaches, put a website together where local people wishing to part with beach stickers can meet wealthy New Yorkers who will be here for the summer - sort of a datehampton.com for sunworshippers. Call it beachsticker.com.

The deal would go like this. The summer person would sell his Mercedes to the local for $60,000 on paper, but in actuality, give it to them for $1. The summer person would sign over the title, the registration, everything, even pay the state sales tax. The local would then go to village hall, explain that an aunt died and that's why he's now driving a Mercedes, and he would get the beach sticker, absolutely free, because they are free for locals. Then the local would lend his Mercedes back to its former owner, who would use it for the summer. And in the fall, he would sign it all back over to the summer resident.

What would the local get in exchange for losing the ability to go to Main Beach? One of two things, the second of which would depend upon the first.

The first thing he would get is access to the summer resident's home. He wouldn't replace the summer resident - he would simply be a guest there, with all the privileges a guest is allowed. Access to the refrigerator, the changing rooms and the living rooms, the right to jump in the pool, use the tennis court and the right to go to the nearby beach, which he would either get to by bicycle or on foot.

And guest privileges would be extended to the local's immediate family. Spouses, children and pets would be welcome. There would be no need to call ahead. You would be introduced, simply, as a house guest, or, more honestly, as "one of my local friends." I might add that, not included in this deal - I have thought all this through - would be room and board. Want room and board? Go back to Wireless Road or Cooper Lane or wherever it is you came from. You've got room and board there. Always have had it, always will.

I said there was a second part. When autumn comes, the local can make a judgment about how the summer went. Were they excluded from a weekend in August when the governor choppered in? Did they get into a big argument with one of the maids who, for the rest of the summer, treated them badly?

If the judgment is that the summer did not go well, the local gets to keep the Mercedes. Forever. The clause about keeping the Mercedes is right there, as article 17, in the agreement prepared by beachsticker.com. And if there is a dispute about the Mercedes, rulings made by beachsticker.com will be final. Of course, the local already has the title and registration to the car. He doesn't have to do anything in order to keep it.

As a matter of fact, the summer person might decide, even if he disagreed with it, not to challenge the local person's decision about how things went. A parking sticker to East Hampton Village beaches is worth a Mercedes.

And there'll be a need to stay on good terms with the local when it comes time to meet up with him again at beachsticker.com next year.