Dan's Papers - May 1, 2009 -

Some folks believe that people were created in the image and likeness of god. Others believe that god was created in the image and likeness of people. There's a similar debate in regard to children and their parents. Adults ooh and ahh over newborn babies, seeing what they want to see, the same way some people anthropomorphize the every twitch of a dog's ear. As family members and friends ogle a red, wrinkled baby who looks more alien than human, the first thing you hear is: She's beautiful! The second thing is: She looks just like you!

When our son was born, and as he has grown into a little boy, most of my partner's friends and family are in strong agreement about the uncanny resemblance between the two of them. I can see it clearly myself: Same face, different hair and eye color.

But after he was born, my friends and family would whisper to me on the side, "I can't believe how much he looks like you." I would smile demurely, proudly, and whisper back, "I know - don't say anything about it please."

I should point out here that I have absolutely no genetic or biological connection with our son. Every one of my friends and family members knows that. But just ask them and they'll tell you: He looks just like me.

A few years ago a friend of mine and his wife had their first child. I went to visit him, and her family was there, carrying on about how much the little girl looked like the mother. They went into great detail about the shape of the face, the spacing of the eyes, the bridge of the nose, the position of the ears - Yes! She was the spitting image of her mother.

Shortly my friend's family came in. The mother's family gave them their due, allowing them to pass the baby around from person to person as they removed themselves to the buffet table in the other room.

My friend's family carried on about how much the little girl looked like her father. They went into great detail about the shape of the face, the spacing of the eyes, the bridge of the nose, the position of the ears - Yes! She was the spitting image of him. Oh, the mother and her family must be so disappointed! The child didn't have a trace of her! After all that work...

Adults blindly decide which parent the child favors, and they speculate on his or her race and ethnicity. In the case above, my friend is African American; his wife, Caucasian. You guessed it. The black side of the family looked at her ears and predicted the rich shade of brown she would ultimately be. The white side of the family pointed out how fair her skin was, and that she really had no "black" attributes at all. What a shame that there was no connection with the father ...

My family does the same with our son. In terms of nationality, he's mostly Irish and Scottish, a good part Dutch, a smidge Italian and about 1/8 Romanian. I don't know much about Romanians. I've told him they're gypsies, and made up wonderfully colorful, romantic stories about them. I did watch a Romanian film that was in the Hamptons International Film Festival last year. None of the actors looked like him.

Well wouldn't you know it, my partner and I met a 100% Romanian recently. We were very excited about Hudson meeting him, too. How exotic! When they met, we asked our new friend if he saw any Romanian in Hudson. Definitely, he said, Hudson looked very Slavic - especially the face shape.

But my partner's family says our son has "the map of Ireland on his face." My Italian family believes he is the poster child for Northern Italians, with his light hair, fair olive skin and green eyes. In all honesty, I actually believe he looks Dutch - the coloring, certainly his height (the Dutch are the tallest people in the world).

But that breaking with tradition is not usual in the child look-alike game, which is really very simple. Ask anyone who your child looks like, and you'll get a very clear answer. But it won't be determined by genetics or nationality. It is determined 100% by who is doing the looking.