Dan's Papers - May 6, 2008 - Classic Cars by Bob Gelber

Mutant cars have been around since "automotive" time began. In the early 1900s, when virtually 99% of newly designed horseless carriages were powered by all sorts of snorting, smelly and vibrating vintage gasoline engines, a few mutant cars were powered by small steam engines. These "Fulton's Follies" of a sort didn't do well in the marketplace most likely because they required fuel to keep the fires burning and water to produce steam. The most famous of the mutants was the Stanley Steamer.

The Stanley Steamer, although noisy, was very fast. Steam engines develop full power at idle and when the throttle was opened, instant massive torque was released. How do you think the steam locomotive was able to take off pulling a massive load of more than 100 fully loaded freight cars? I'm actually glad the steam car didn't catch on. The last thing I'd want in my garage is a miniature steam locomotive. Although with current gas prices, the steam locomotive engine may not be a bad idea.

In the early 1900s, there was another mutant car that was set in motion by an airplane propeller mounted in the front of the vehicle. Talk about public safety. What was that inventor thinking? At least mount the device in the rear of the car where it wouldn't chop up some poor pedestrian.

During mid-century, there were the various dreams of flying cars, cars that could be both driven on the highway and propelled into flight at will. It seemed every other month Popular Mechanics magazine had a picture of one on their cover. The problem with most mutant cars of this type is that they were always inferior cars and even more pitiful airplanes. The last thing any one wants is a substandard private airplane. For the record, there has recently been an ad for one of the few successful flying cars left in the world for sale in Hemmings, asking price in the millions. For obvious reasons, a flying car is rare and collectible.

Besides flying cars, it seems inventive people have always wanted to extend the automobiles' versatility. Many of you remember the Amphibicar of the '50s. It was a small boat and a car. It sold quite well, and today it is a valuable collectible. However, this mutant, like the flying car, was neither a very good road car nor a boat. It was slow on the highway, and easily swamped by rough water. I will say it was rather neat looking, especially from the rear, with its large propellers predominately exposed below the rear bumper.

Perhaps the most famous of all the mutant cars was the original Volkswagen Beetle designed by Dr. Porsche, at the request of, of all people, Adolf Hitler. A maniac with a mutant brain would want a mutant car. Anyway, Porsche designed the thing and it ended up looking like, well, a mutant car. Strangely shaped, it really did resemble a large movie horror-prop metal Beetle. Mechanically, it was pure 100% mutant, compared to other cars of 1939. With a stamped steel chassis and an air-cooled engine in the back, it was a car from an alternate universe. Some have said that Porsche based the design of his Beetle on the Czechoslovak Tatra, which is perhaps true, but his VW is fresh enough to be original. Surprisingly, like the success of the kids' Mutant Ninja Turtle series, Dr. Porsche's strange looking little car became one of the best selling cars of all time. As an aside, when the new retro Volkswagen Beetle was introduced a few years ago, a VW executive made a comment. In effect he said that if it weren't for the fame of the original Beetle, everyone would have said we were crazy to introduce the oddball retro-looking Beetle.

For pure, contemporary mutant good looks, the award goes to the Pontiac Aztek SUV and the Honda Ridgeline pickup truck. (That's not really meant as a compliment.) What was General Motors thinking when they brought out the Aztek? There was not a good line on the whole truck. It looked sort of like a Land Rover that had been designed by an English beer drinker after a binge. It sold very poorly, mainly because nobody, and I mean nobody, liked its looks. Makes one wonder about the taste levels of some of the executives at GM. Unfortunately, Honda tried to redesign the pickup truck. The Ridgeline pickup has some of the same design elements of the Aztek. Butt ugly DNA. Please, Honda, here in America the pickup is a holy vehicle, especially in looks. If you're going to redo it, at least make it beautiful. Look at the class leaders, like Chevy and Ford. They are the kings of red-state pickup lust. Lots of mutant cars out there. More importantly, lots of mutant drivers. Drive carefully.