Dan's Papers - April 24, 2009

Many families may now be facing serious changes to their financial and work lives, and these changes could have a tremendous impact on children - whether it means they lose their summer vacation in the Hamptons, have to change schools, won't get that new bike or gadget they were promised, or even have to leave their homes. In addition to these changes that affect their material lives, some family changes could mean a change in their day to day existence. For example, a parent who once left for work every morning might now be at home most of the day. For some children, especially younger ones, this could be a boon. For others, it might be disturbing, especially if the parent is depressed or anxious about the change. And of course, a downward spike in household income might result in tension at home and arguments in front of the kids about money and spending.

So many issues to consider, and so many questions about how to approach these issues with children.

Last week, I spoke with Nella Hahn, a New York State licensed social worker for more than 10 years who practices in Southampton and is a candidate at the Suffolk Institute for Psychotherapy and Analysis. We went into detail on several of these issues, but her basic, blanket approach to dealing with most of them was clear.

"Essentially it's pretty simple," she said. "The main thing is that you want the child to feel secure. You have to convey to them at any age that true wealth is not measured in dollars and cents. True wealth is having loving connections, strong relationships and health. It may sound corny and clichéé - but that should be the focus."

Because arguing doesn't tend to instill a feeling of security, it's a no-brainer to suggest that parents keep their heated discussions about money (and anything for that matter) to themselves, and not engage in battle in front of the children.

In fact, not only does Hahn suggest keeping the negative energy away from the kids as much as possible, you might say she follows the lead of Mr. In Between to accentuate the positive.

"Children take their lead from their parents," she said. "So parents can help them by having an optimistic attitude themselves, and putting a positive spin on the situation. It's up to the parent to deal with the issues emotionally themselves first, then communicate with kids in a positive way.

"For example," she continued, "an elementary school child, seeing a parent out of work, might be wondering, 'Why is daddy home?' - which could be disconcerting. In that case, you'd want to convey that this is a new experience, that a lot of people make changes in their lives. Daddy is looking for something he likes better."

Becoming a spin doctor is important to helping a child have a better attitude about any type of change - but it has to be genuine. A parent who talks about how wonderful a new situation is with a look of horror on her face and fear in her voice won't really convince a sensitive child.

Dealing with disappointments is another issue that may come up with a change in finances. And again, Hahn believes it's all about how you approach the change.

"If you can't afford to send your child to summer camp, you might lead by saying that, this year, you're going to spend time together in the summer, going to the beach, the park," she said. "For older children, you can say things are different now, not unfortunately different, just different. And stress that it is temporary."

Hahn also stresses that when the belt is tight, it's a good time to teach children about being charitable - a good time to teach them how to give to others.

Finally, even though you want to present any change in the most favorable light, you never want to deny a child's feelings. If, after all the positive spin in the world, the child is upset, it's time to listen and reassure.