The Sheltered Islander

Pirates in Training

By Sally Flynn

Pirate Trainee: "I don't know, I just don't know if boarding vessels and taking hostages off of Shelter Island will work."

Pirate Boss: "I told you, this is a business. As with any business plan, you start small and build. Here we find this nice little island, lots of boats, it's perfect for us to get some on-the-job training. We'll polish our techniques here and hit Nantucket next."

Trainee: "What's going to be our signature?"

Boss: "What are you talking about?"

Trainee: "You know, a signature, so people know it's us as opposed to just any random group of pirates. Pirates used to wear an eye patch or have a parrot, that was their signature. We need something like that. Maybe we could wear red tee shirts with a skull and crossbones or something. My cousin can make them for us for like, $10 each."

Boss: "I never thought of that, but we could deduct those costs as marketing materials I think."

Trainee: "See, I'm not so dumb, am I? So who are we gonna board and take hostage?"

Boss: "I got a perfect first job all scoped out. This guy's got a nice CrisCraft. He goes fishing every Thursday afternoon. We'll have lunch at The Dory, pick up a bottle from Shelter Island Wine & Spirits, row our little boat out and wait for him on the outgoing tide."

Thursday, 4 p.m. Burt Smith heads out in his nice boat with a stocked cooler...

Burt: "Holy sh** Who the f*** are you? Get off my boat!"

Trainee: "Surrender! You've been boarded and are now the prisoner of the Pirates of Atlantic Seaboard, Northern East Chapter!"

Burt: "Are you out of your f-ing mind? You can't seize boats off of Shelter Island, I can still wave to my wife, see her? Over there, by the car?"

Boss: "The short brunette?"

Burt: "Yeah, the short brunette, the one who's waving at us now..."

Trainee: "Give me your cell phone. But dial your wife first, I can never operate those phones."

Burt: "Here's the phone, see, you can see her pulling her's out of her purse to answer."

Trainee: "Hello Missus. My brother and I have captured your husband's boat and we are holding him hostage. If you value his life, bring us a half a million dollars in small, unmarked bills, we will call you with the drop off place later.

Stop laughing, Missus. This is serious business! Don't you love your husband? Don't you want him to come home to you in one piece - or should we make him fish food?"

Burt: "What did she say?"

Trainee: "She hung up!"

Boss: "Give me that phone. You don't even know how to make a convincing threat! Listen and learn!" (Dials the phone.) "Missus, we have your husband. We are serious and his life is in danger. You will bring a half a million dollars ... no, Missus, it has to be half a million, anything less would make us look cheap ... discount? Because he's your second husband? Don't be ridiculous! ... but ... no, wait, let me explain ... this is very serious ... no, we can't talk about this after your company leaves tomorrow ... wait ... but ..."

Trainee: "So how did it go, Mr. Big Shot?"

Boss: "She hung up on ME!"

Burt: "She hangs up on me too. She's not going to pay any half million to get me back, even if we actually had it."

Trainee: "Well, how much do you have?"

Burt: "I got a couple thousand in the bank, but she wants a new living room set."

Boss (to Trainee): "Don't ask the hostage what he can afford to pay! WE are the pirates! WE are in charge! I'm calling the Missus back."

Boss: "We know you have at least $3,000. Because we are not murderers, we will accept that amount and give you your husband ... Pay you? Why would we pay you? I don't know, what happens to your husband after he eats chili dogs and drinks beer all afternoon? How would I know that? I don't have $200! I'm not paying you to take him back! What kind of wife are you?"

Burt: "She gets money out of everybody! That's my girl!"

Boss to Trainee: "Turn the boat around, this woman is insane. We're getting rid of this hostage now."

Trainee: "Good idea, I think whatever happens to him when he eats chili dogs and beer is starting to happen..."

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