Dan's Papers - April 25, 2008 - Twentysomething...By David Lion Rattiner

Yes, it has finally happened. Gas in East Hampton is officially four bucks a gallon, and it is pretty awful, if you ask me. Every time I go to the pump I get angry, and not just a little angry, but like really angry. I consider myself an emotionally stable person, but I am this close to having a complete freak-out because of the price of gas.

It makes me crazy. I drive slower now to save gas. I don't accelerate quickly when I'm on a hill. I switch the car into neutral. I think of ways to stop paying for gas. When you live in Montauk and work in Bridgehampton, the dollars add up. I have been so nuts about gas prices that I have even surfed the Internet for a solution. I found myself at water4gas.com, which sells a book that teaches you how to install a device in your car that will double your gas mileage. All you need is a little baking soda and some distilled water and you are good to go. Just buy the directions for $100.

I sat there fascinated. THIS WORKS, I thought. This is the answer that I have been waiting for. I can afford a hundred bucks. That is only like half a tank of gas.

I ran across the editorial department and grabbed Tom Ratcliffe, a salesperson here at Dan's Papers who is very technical. "Tom, we have got to do this to my car."

Tom had a look at the website and was suspicious, but didn't want to give up hope. "I'd be willing to do this to a car. Let's give it a try."

And there we were, convinced that we were going to run our cars on water and everything was going to be fine.

I'm sold on the idea. The Man is keeping this technology from us. We'll just have to build it ourselves because that's the way it is. We haven't gotten the directions yet. I'll keep you posted.

I've also considered buying a motor scooter. I'm not so sure that a 200-pound guy would look too cool on a motor scooter, though. I'd have to lose a lot of weight and wear really trendy clothing, like a t-shirt that says "Soul Mug," and then constantly have conversations with people about the importance of soul mugs. I don't even know what a soul mug is. I can't live like that.

Maybe I'll become a Harley guy. I'll ride my motorcycle, even in the wintertime, and wear lots of layers. Wait, I know! I'll turn my car into a bio-diesel mobile and fill up my tank at McDonalds in Southampton. I saw a documentary about a guy who drove across the entire country in a car that ran on used vegetable oil from fast food restaurants. That's the ticket. Does anybody know how to do that? ANYBODY? ANYBODY? NO? WHHHHHYYYY??!!