Dan's Papers - April 25, 2008

I am sitting on the beach this afternoon in the middle of April and it is a summer's day. The temperature is almost 70, the surfers are out and the birds are circling happily overhead. This has been going on for a week, and Friday it is expected to be 80.

This sort of thing has happened before, but never like this. It's been 50 degrees in April, which is fine, and on a particular day it has shot up to 70 or 80 but it's always been one day and it's always gone back down to normal the next day. So much for normal.

The nice thing about a week in April in the Hamptons at 70 degrees is that the authorities haven't really picked up on where this is all going. There are no beach stickers required. There are no restrictions on dogs on the beach or cars on the beach. There are no lifeguards or beach boys either. It's April, after all.

Well, yes it is and no it isn't.

I foresee a day in the not too distant future when the "season" in the Hamptons will actually be two seasons. The first will happen from April 15 to June 15. People will come out to go swimming, golfing and sailing during these months. And then they will come out again between September 15 and December 15 for more of the same. As for the summertime, we will all be indoors with the air conditioning on. It will be too hot to go out for any length of time. It will be like Arizona or Florida in the summer. The only time spent outdoors is between the house and the air-conditioned car and then back the other way. Nobody goes to those places in those months.

There is a precedent for this. And it is called Bermuda. This island, which is 600 miles off North Carolina, has its prime visitor season in the spring and fall when the temperatures range from 70 to 80 and everything is just terrific for outdoor activities. Before or after that it is too hot or too cold. If you weren't familiar with Bermuda, you would not know this. Bermuda doesn't advertise this prominently.

But global warming certainly is occurring, whether from human activity or just because apparently the planet feels like it, which from time to time it does.

Yesterday the news was that the polar caps are melting faster than anybody thought they would, and the sea level around the world is now predicted to rise four feet by 2100. And then today's news is that after seven years in office saying no, no, no, there is no global warming, our President has announced that indeed it is a huge problem and we should make it a goal here in America to be carbon neutral by 2025. Of course he's leaving office in eight months.

There has been a move made by the country to deal with global warming of course. They extended daylight savings time. People across the country noticed that in March for the first time it was warm enough for outdoor activity but late in the day it was too dark to do it. They talked to their Congresspeople. They made them look out the window. And the Congresspeople agreed. And so daylight savings time was extended further into the spring and later into the fall.

Life will be very different in the Hamptons when we have two vacation seasons. The schools will have to go on a two vacation schedule so there can be lifeguards on the beaches, but not in the summertime when nobody goes there. Private schools in the city will have to go on the two vacation season schedule because kids of rich Hamptonites will not want to be out here when all they can do is stay indoors and play Parcheesi.

Golf courses will be open during the spring and fall but not in the summer, which at some of the clubs will be referred to as "heart attack" season. The same thing will be true of the tennis clubs.

Sport fishermen will LOVE spring and fall. Fall is their traditional fishing season when undersea life seems most active. So there will have to be more charter boats, but then they will all go to Maine and Nova Scotia in the summer, when the "season" there is still underway at that time.

For those who stay here to grin and bear it through the hot weather during the summertime, one of the great attractions out here, if it gets built, will be the indoor ski mountain in Riverhead. What a great thing! 100 degrees outside. And it's skiing on the snow in here. I do presume that up there in the Pine Barrens, they are high enough to be able to do just fine when the sea level goes up four feet.

I do think we will not actually change the names of the seasons. I spent a winter down in New Zealand some years ago and there the seasons are, of course, just backwards. They say in winter they swim and play outdoors. In summer, they have snowball fights and shovel the stuff. I think we will live with the change and not change the names of the seasons.

About four months ago, I got a press release from the Farmer's Almanac, whose offices are based here in the northeast. It's one of my favorite press releases. The person writing it was apparently asked by management to list all of the advantages that will occur here in the northeast as global warming proceeds.

She wrote about the rich and lush new vegetation we should see, about the colorful birds that will migrate here, about the new farms and crops we will have, about the fewer months that people will have to stay indoors in the wintertime. It was quite something. Sit back and enjoy global warming. We're the lucky ones here in the temperate zone.

Wait until 2025. We'll have everything solved by then. You'll see. Thank you, Mr. Bush.

Humans are so stupid. I think the philosophy, after 20 years of trying to let governments do otherwise, is that if we are going to lose the war with Mother Nature, we might as well enjoy ourselves while going down.