Dan's Papers - April 17, 2009 - The Hampton Subway Newsletter

Sarah Jessica Parker was seen on the Southampton platform waiting to go to Citarella's in Water Mill. Yitzak Perelman, the famed violinist, was seen on the Bridgehampton to Sag Harbor train heading for Shelter Island to start sprucing up his music camp there.

Gwen Knowland, our esteemed personal assistant to Commissioner Aspinall turned 23 last Thursday. The Commissioner took her out for a long lunch at the American Hotel in Sag Harbor, a rare treat.

The wooden suggestion box that for six years stood by the Hampton Bays turnstiles without incident has still not been returned. This is the only time it has ever been stolen. We have not bought a new suggestion box yet because we still hope to get the old one back and in these hard times don't want to expend the money for a new one until we are sure the old one is gone for good. The result is a drop off to zero in the number of suggestions this past week, and this is seriously affecting morale staff at our Hampton Bays headquarters, which counts on these suggestions to keep things up to date.

There was note scotch taped to the spot where the suggestion box was last Thursday. It made no sense. "The place for happiness lies with green, look behind the green machine." What could that mean?

Because our subway stops are about four miles apart on average, we are initiating a "White Bicycle" program as an experiment. Management is buying 40 white bicycles that will be left at each of our station platforms between Amagansett and Shinnecock. Straphangers are welcome to use them provided they return them to other station platforms. For safety reasons, it will not be possible to allow the bicycles to be carried up or down the escalators. It will be necessary to negotiate them up the stairs.

The board, which approved the "White Bicycle" experiment by a vote of 4 to 3 last Thursday, acknowledges that this might make using the bicycles difficult for the elderly and infirm, but these people shouldn't be carrying around bicycles anyway. They could hurt themselves.

Most people take the subway for very short trips, but we have nevertheless decided, as a courtesy measure for our hungry passengers, to open a dining car. It will be in the very middle of the train so people can have access to it equally from the front or back, and it will be catered by one of the finest restaurants in the Hamptons, a name that we will reveal next week just prior to the inauguration of the service. The dining car will feature crystal, silver and white tablecloths and waiters and porters in full white uniforms with those funny white caps. The food will be Northern Italian and it will be fresh cooked to order, including the handmade pasta.

The experiment to slow down the overenthusiastic motormen who drive the trains at up to 60 miles an hour on the straightaway between Bridgehampton and Water Mill with speed bumps has failed. As you know, they are unionized so we can't fire them. The speed bumps were in place from Thursday to Sunday, and by that time a total of three subway trains had to be taken out of service to repair damage and at least nine people had to be taken to the hospital. None, unfortunately, were the motormen. This upcoming week, we are going to try something else. We are banning beer in the motorman's cubicle.

Exciting news! Hampton Subway has been selected as the site for a scene in the upcoming movie Superhero's Revenge. Five caped superheroes run across the platform, the bad guys chasing them, and leap into a subway car at the last minute to make their getaway. The subway car pulls out. The scene will be shot between 3 and 7 a.m. next Thursday morning at our Amagansett station. The public is invited to watch the scene being shot while outside lying flat on the ground above and looking down through the air vent gratings. Those wishing to be extras in this scene - straphangers reading newspapers who become surprised - should contact Warner Brothers Pictures' New York office at 212-224-352.

Our souvenir book "One Year on the Hampton Subway" is now out. It chronicles the riots, escalators gone berserk, explosions, boxing matches, subway car races and the 90-pound raccoon that ate an environmentalist during the attempt to remove her from the subway air vent in Hampton Bays. We all remember that. It is on sale in all four Bookhampton bookstores (Amagansett, East Hampton, Sag Harbor and Southampton.) It can also be bought either online at danshamptons.com, over the counter at Dan's Papers or by calling 631-537-0500. The cost is $18.48 plus tax, grand total $20.