Dan's Papers - April 10, 2009

Money is a four-letter word. Well, five. But in many families, it is just as taboo to talk about money as it is to curse like a sailor. Some families consider it downright crass to discuss it. As a result, kids grow up with little insight as to how money and finances work, making it a huge grey area.

In other families, money is talked about so much that it becomes the point of reference in valuing any and everything. I had a friend whose father had a seat on the stock exchange. She grew up in a household with televisions in every room that blared up to the minute financial news with the index crawl on the bottom of the screen. The almighty dollar, feared and loved, played a huge role in her family life.

In still other families, money comes up only to threaten, punish or guilt trip children, blurted out in statements like, "I'm not going to spend my hard earned..." Or, "When you grow up and make your own money, then you can have a say in this house!" That is usually followed by, "Missy!" or "Mister!"

On the other end of the spectrum are parents who use money as a reward - beyond the usual allowance for jobs well done. Many parents know the hazards of using cash as an incentive: You're basically buying good behavior from your child and that sets up the potential for a hideous pattern.

But, as with any hot family topic, many of us approach the issue of money with our children the way it was fed to us as kids - unless we were lucky enough to have a good shrink, or run across some of the many great prosperity consciousness books, or watch The Secret. Many books about money are simply about clarity - something missing in many families on many issues.

As adults, many of us still carry money attitudes that were molded by our parents and the cash culture of our families. Growing up with a mother who was a child of the Depression - well, let's just say there wasn't a lot of prosperity consciousness about manifestation of dreams in our household. But my mother drummed into me some valuable lessons that have served me well. "Avoid credit. Only buy something if you have the cash. Always have savings." Because my mother was rather dramatic and convincing, I was terrified to veer from her directives.

From as far back as I can remember, I had a little savings "passbook" that I'd take to the little local bank with the Christmas or birthday money I got. (Italian grandparents are big on giving children "envelopes" rather than gifts. They also like to talk about changing their wills - a lot.) I'd hand over my passbook and the cash or check that I so would've liked to have spent, and get the book back with a new number stamped on it.

I realize that, based on my mother's free advice, I liked making money and saving money. Spending it was a challenge. When I was in my 20s, my friends joked about my $10,000. It was true: I had the same $10K for about 10 years. I just couldn't part with it. But damn it! I had savings. Sometimes it's still had for me to part with cash, but I do have an enviable credit score.So in the long run, the good lessons I learned about money from my mother have outweighed the bad.

But right now, many families are facing new discussions on the topic of money, which has become a source of great tension for some adults who never dreamed they'd be facing these issues, let alone have to have a financial facts of life conversations with their children. In the next few weeks, I'll be speaking with psychologists and personal finance consultants on dealing with the topic of children and money, as it relates not only to the family culture, but to these extraordinarily challenging times.