Dan's Papers - April 10, 2009 - Twentysomething...

Twitter is the stupidest, most useless, most ridiculous thing I have ever seen and I don't get why people are excited about it. I'm a technical guy. I utilize technology daily in my life. Twitter is dumb.

I have absolutely no interest in knowing a person's random thoughts or current location via text message to a twitter.com account and it makes me very angry and physically upset that people find this website interesting/useful/an amazing advancement in technology.

My passionate hatred for Twitter occurred about three weeks ago when a few of my friends created an account and requested me to follow them on Twitter. Here are some of the fascinating updates that they provided. "Having coffee," "Thinking about the war in Iraq," "Just saw a really cool bird," "Can't find my shoes, very frustrating," "Breakfast with a client, not sure what to wear," "My cell phone isn't working well, do you see this?" "Off to my aunt's for a fabulous dinner with the fam. Looking forward to the homemade cookies and plenty of wine," "Click on this link to learn more about global warming," "Just ate an apple. Very amazing," "On the phone discussing legal options regarding international securities," "Why are towels such an important part of life? Click this," "Made an amazing salad this afternoon. The secret? Cranberries," "Off to the movies, then a late dinner with Sal, will update then."

I also found out recently that Twitter is filled with fake personal updates/thoughts, especially when it comes to celebrities. In fact, when you follow celebrities you are not actually reading or learning about them, you're learning about their interns, whose job it is to update a Twitter account. So not only can you read an update about a celebrity through the eyes of an intern, you can also enjoy random thoughts, similar to opening up a fortune cookie, only the fortune cookie writer is a half drunk narcissist who doesn't use spell check, and is trying to impress you with his amazing job as a fortune cookie writer and thoughtful human.

I love fortune cookies.

How can Twitter be the next big thing? The iPhone is amazing, the Internet is amazing, e-commerce is amazing, Google is amazing, Twitter is the @#$%@ stupidest @#$T@# thing to ever @#$%@ happen.

What bothers me the most about it is the inability of most people to understand what it is. I know so many people that think Twitter is going to be the next Google, primarily because they can't explain it. If you are one of these people, you most likely have a relative who likes to feel smarter than you all the time and is your main source of technological information which he/she delivers to you in a very vague way. So here is the explanation for you people:

Twitter is a genetically manufactured small bird about that size of a dime that uses electricity for food. You place it inside of your computer to do important tasks like blocking spam, checking your e-mail and contacting your friends.

Okay that isn't true, but I'm just proving the mystique behind this stupid service. Here is the real answer. Twitter allows you to send text messages to a personal webpage that others can read. Yes, it is that pointless.

By the way, I'm completely hooked on my friends' Twitter accounts. I absolutely must know where they are and what they are thinking at all hours of the day ...