Dan's Papers - April 10, 2009 - The Hampton Subway Newsletter

What celebrity wife was seen canoodling on our B Train between Quogue and Quiogue not with the celebrity she is married to, but with some other celebrity who is married very publicly to somebody else?

A family of rare tiger salamanders has set up a family home on the tracks between East Hampton and Sag Harbor. The nest is made from wet twigs, and the female is sitting on her eggs there. Those passengers wishing to take the subway between these two stations should take a detour to Bridgehampton until the Environmental Protection Agency officials, who are currently flying here from Washington, have arrived to tell us what to do.

The suggestion box by the turnstiles on the Hampton Bays platform is missing. Subway police say that it was stolen last Wednesday night sometime after closing at 2 a.m. for cleaning and the reopening at 5 a.m. If anybody knows what happened to this suggestion box, please contact any subway employee.

The only clue to the theft is a note, which was taped to the wall next to where the suggestion box was. It reads, "My suggestion is that you bolt the suggestion box to the wall so people can't steal it."

Riders have frequently complained of the excess speeds at which the motormen drive while negotiating the straightaway between the Bridgehampton Station and the Water Mill Station. It is the longest, straightest stretch on the system, and though the maximum speed is 42 miles an hour, the motormen have been cranking the trains up to 60 and 70 miles an hour, which is scaring the passengers.

Numerous attempts have been made to ask the motormen to not do this, but to no avail. There are six motormen, all six are doing it, and they are unionized so we cannot fire them.

Because our passengers are our first concern, we have therefore decided to install speed bumps on this three-mile stretch to make them slow down. If they don't, passengers are urged to hang on tight.

The Hampton Subway System has long fought attempts to unionize the workers here at our company, and we have succeeded in every way, except when it has come to our motormen. They do, after all, have special skills, and were we to fire them as we have done to others before the union came, we would have a hard time replacing them. Motormen must be expert at stopping the trains every time at all the platforms, not moving the train while people are boarding, and avoiding bumping into trains in front of them by going too fast, or by being bumped by trains coming up behind for going too slow.

As a result of this situation, I have had to "go easy" on the six motormen who have been repeatedly cited for speeding. I gave them tongue lashings numerous times, and I have four times filed complaints with their union boards, although none did any good.

The speed bump solution, voted 4 to 3 by our board yesterday, will solve the situation. I expect these testosterone filled young cowboys will just continue to speed through this section of track each of the 10 times a day they go through, but now, each time, they will have to "run the gauntlet." Eventually, it will knock some sense into them.

Our souvenir book, One Year on the Hampton Subway, is now on sale in all four Bookhampton bookstores (Amagansett, East Hampton, Sag Harbor and Southampton.) It can also be bought at danshamptons.com or by calling 631-537-0500. The cost is $18.44 plus tax.