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| Issue #03 - April 11, 2008 |
Police Blotter
Fiat
If you haven't heard the Jerry Seinfeld crashed his car in East Hampton by flipping his Fiat into a controlled roll after his brakes failed, then you're an idiot.
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What?
A boy in East Hampton reported to police that somebody stole his blue bicycle that was missing a handle grip and also had a rusty chain. Police suspect that it was the same guy that stole all of the used food containers from a Westhampton Beach Chinese food restaurant.
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Just Won't Deal With It
A man in Sag Harbor was arrested by police after he was pulled over numerous times for driving his car without a registration. The man was arrested and his license has been suspended. His excuse for not taking care of his registration has something to do with either playing too many video games or a general hatred for public rules.
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Graffiti
Police found graffiti on some of the public signs in Bridgehampton last week. They believe it was the Bridgehampton gangsters who were responsible and these rough and tough dudes wrote some of their gang slogans such as the, "Scarsdale Roughriders" and "The Ross School Artsters." Police are concerned that the recent tagging could spring a gang war between the Ross School Artster gang and the Southampton Cashmere Thugs, which might cause an alliance between the Mercedes Kids and the Westchester Winchesters, which would be really bad.
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Dozen Eggs
A guy in Montauk reported to police that a dozen eggs were thrown at his car. Police double checked their calendars and have confirmed that it is no longer Halloween. Who the hell throws a dozen eggs this time of year? Crazy people, that's who.
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Cell Phoner
A man in Southampton was pulled over by police for talking on his cell phone. Of course, like always, the man explained to the officer who he was talking to and why it was so important. The important conversation this time around? His dry cleaner hadn't cleaned his jacket to his liking. Jerk.
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It's Getting Crazy
A business owner in Hampton Bays reported to police that somebody stole $4,000 worth of gasoline from his trucks by siphoning the gas out of them. People it's getting to that point, will somebody discover moon oil or make a car that runs on cow farts or something? For crying out loud!
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The Drinker
A man was pulled over in Southampton for driving erratically. When the officer pulled the man over, he noticed that he smelled an odd amount of minty fresh breath. The man failed the sobriety tests. Apparently the man tried to cover his drunkenness by drinking half a bottle of mouthwash. Little did he know that mouthwash contains about fifty percent alcohol.
- Compiled and Written by David Lion Rattiner
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