Dan's Papers - April 3, 2009 - PARKING, PERIWINKLES, OBAMA, OSAMA, WORLD TRADE

In Manhattan, it was announced that the Freedom Tower, currently under discussion, would henceforth be known as World Trade Center One. The reason for the name change was, according to a spokesperson, that the term "freedom" might incite the radical Muslims to attack it, whereas the name World Trade Center One would not. I have three thoughts about this.

1. The Freedom Tower is going to stand 1,776 feet tall, nearly half again taller than any other building in the city. Calling this building World Trade Center One is like telling a guy who is seven feet tall that if he wears sunglasses, people wouldn't notice him.

2. Renaming it World Trade Center One is an insult to the memory of World Trade Center Two.

3. The radical Muslims knocked down World Trade Centers One and Two at least partly because they were named World Trade Center. Although, after eight years, it's still a puzzle to many people about exactly what it is that radical Muslims want, it is not for lack of their telling us. They have said repeatedly that they are opposed to world trade and westernization. They think its existence is an abomination against God. Perhaps you have noticed that in recent times every culture but one has embraced world trade and westernization. China, India, Japan, Europe, Central America and South America are all on board with Benettons and Gaps and Burger Kings. Only the radical Muslims aren't on board. And they say westernization interferes with their ability to practice their religion. Thus, the fatwah.

Perhaps it would be a good thing if we carved out the interior of that fat needle sitting as the top quarter of the Freedom Tower and made it into a nondenominational chapel for all - a place to come to reflect and pray. It would be a place very close to God, way up there. Would this be a good idea?

Well, we could ask Osama Bin Laden. He's available by hand delivered videotape. Now that our new president is willing to talk to anybody and everybody, why not? Let Obama talk to Osama.

In Detroit, it was announced that Rick Wagoner, the CEO of GM for the past nine years, will be stepping down to make way for the new and upcoming head of research at GM, Harvey Hybrid.

In New York City, Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced that he was laying off 30 policemen and putting on duty 30 metermaids. Apparently he does not share the opinion of most that hard times will lead to more desperate people and to more crime. He apparently think that hard times will lead to more instances of desperate people parking their cars one inch over the line or one minute over the allowed hour.

Also on Friday, Scott Borgerson, who is a visiting fellow at the Council of Foreign Relations in Washington, announced his plan for making the entire planet above the Arctic Circle a park. He notes that with the way the ice around the North Pole is melting, by 2013, the entire Arctic continent will be just water in the summertime. And he thinks this is a great opportunity. Not only would a park be a preserve and safe haven for nature up there, but it would also defuse the sea bottom land rush that has gotten Russia and other countries out in subs to plant flags claiming jurisdiction over parts of the Arctic.

What Borgerson has not noticed is that all the land creatures up in the Arctic for the last 100,000 years - the polar bears, the seals, sea lions and other animals - will be dead because of global warming melting all the ice by 2013. Oh well, we can still save the fishes. They come and go, I know, but while underwater in the park, they will be protected.

Regarding climate change, there was a very interesting article in the news on Friday about the periwinkle snails that live off eastern Long Island and as far north as Maine.

Dusty old research from 1915 to 1919 was recently discovered about these snails. Back then, scientists gathered up periwinkles at 19 different sites and measured the thickness and length of the shells. The scientists today thought this was a golden opportunity to see if they could get the same results today. They could not. Periwinkles today have shells that are 23% heavier and longer than they were in the earlier study nearly 100 years ago.

The reason? The earlier study was done before a certain kind of crab with vice like claws came on the scene around here. Apparently, in just 90 years, the periwinkles have mutated to grow shells that are too tough and too long for these crabs to break through.

This confirms the recent discovery that creatures can mutate in just a few generations in response to new environmental challenges. And it makes me wonder about global warming. President Barack Obama announced his itinerary on Friday for the upcoming conference in London on globalization. Maybe America has been right not to sign the various agreements designed to stop carbon from getting spewed into the atmosphere. Maybe it's not a problem at all. Maybe humans will simply mutate a few generations from now into creatures with thicker and more insulating skin than we have now. Global warming? Bring it on.

Finally, in the news was the announcement on Saturday of President Obama's goal in Afghanistan. He intends to bring in not only more soldiers, but also more advisors to make the existing pro-American government there better. He will also spend piles of money rebuild Afghanistan's non-existent infrastructure. And so when the Afghans find themselves traffic lighted, skyscrapered, Burger Kinged, Gapped and Starbucked, they will cheer because they will be able to replace their rickety old opium economy with all these wonderful things from the west. Roll up your sleeves, Afghanistan, the shovel ready projects are about to be funded.