Dan's Papers - April 4, 2008 -

I don't know if I'm smarter than a fifth grader, especially these days what with Pluto being downgraded from planet status. But I am sure, by and large, that I'm smarter than my 5-year-old. Compared to a little person of the single digit age, being a parent makes you feel omniscient, especially when you introduce that little brain to your own adult interests and passions. For me, that includes opera. So I was ecstatic a couple years ago when the Met introduced 'family friendly' operas - matinees, in English, and in the case of last season's Magic Flute, actually shortened. Since Hudson wasn't even 4 last year, we skipped it. But I opted in this year for Humperdinck's Hansel and Gretel, which was also shown last week on PBS.

Hansel and Gretel seems like the perfect first opera for a little boy. Witches. Houses made of cake and candy. Arias that are little more than folk songs. And just about two hours long. To prepare him, I got the storybook and a CD of the score so he could "get it in his ear." The recording was in German so while we played games and listened, I provided a quick synopsis of the upcoming scene. He wanted to act it out. I thought we'd just do the part where the evil mother chases the kids around with a broom for breaking the jug of milk (very therapeutic for me). But no. He wanted to do the whole thing so we did, as I sang an improvised English translation.

The day came. He was ready, dressed properly in a shirt and tie, befitting our box seats, and we headed off on the Jitney. But there was a glitch to my perfect plan. The movie on the Jitney was a Sylvester Stallone-type shoot 'em up. I asked the bus driver to turn our screen off. Not possible, so I covered it with a sheet of paper.

Then we got to the Met. Ahh. Safe at the halls of culture, with the flowing staircase, Matisse murals, crystal chandeliers rising as the overture began. When the curtain rose, I expected an over the top woodsman cottage with frilly scenery. Instead, there was a monochromatic beige kitchen with virtually no furniture, and two children in beige costumes. The setting was the U.S., 1950s. The mother looked like Debbie Harry - bleached blonde hair and two-inch black roots. It was a heady production, built around themes of emotional deprivation, physical hunger, spiritual emptiness.

Before each scene, 40-foot images of half eaten food on bloody plates were projected on scrims. In the stark grey woods were men in grey suits, with branches instead of heads. Later, a giant tongue projected through a hole in the curtain (don't even ask); the witch, behind fake flames in an 8-foot high oven pounded on the door to get out. Instead of a cute gingerbread cookie emerging from the oven, it was a life-size human figure, brown and charred.

The production, provocative for adults, was horrifying for a child - Auschwitz meets Three Penny Opera. I felt so angry at my beloved Met, where I spent many an evening as a music student and beyond. Marketing this show as family friendly was a betrayal. And I couldn't put a sheet of paper over the screen. Instead I repeated, "Isn't that silly," or, "It's just pretend."

But he loved it. Still talks about the chefs with enormous heads and the maitre d' with a fish face mask; the children coming back to life at the end; the beautiful instruments in the pit. Who knows what he'll ultimately remember? Did his first trip to the opera ignite a passion? Or leave him forever wondering how that movie on the Jitney ended? Maybe a fifth grader has the answer.

Future realist painters of the East End now have a new school - a Young Artist Program at the Long Island Academy of Fine Art in Riverhead, geared to nine to thirteen-year-olds. Artist Leeanna Chipana will teach classical drawing based on 19th century techniques. es Spring term begins April 8. Contact LIAFA at 631-603-5514 or visit . The Long Island Academy of Fine Art, 127 East Main Street, Riverhead.

This Sunday, Baystreet Theatre in Sag Harbor presents Circus Minimus. A suitcase opens and a circus emerges: tent, band, lights, boisterous ringmaster and magician. Kids of all ages should be ready for their moment in the spotlight - performers are drawn from the audience.