Dan's Papers - April 4, 2008

Now that Governor Spitzer has confessed his sins and resigned, and the new Governor Patterson has held a news conference to announce the various affairs he's had with women over the years and that he experimented with drugs when young, I thought it would be important for me to do the same.

As Governor Patterson said, he was making his revelations because he did not want to conduct the work of his office with the fear that he might be blackmailed. As the founder of this newspaper, I feel the same way.

Once, when the driver of a white Mercedes convertible roared passed me on Ferry Road to beat me to the Shelter Island Ferry, I lied to her when she came over to ask directions to Orient Point. I told her that after we got to the other side, she should drive off and turn left and head west.

Once, when a very fat woman asked me if she looked fat, I said yes.

You know the junk mail you get asking for a donation because they sent you a little something - a nickel or a plastic silver cross or those peel off stickers with your name and address on them that you can use for letter return addresses? Well, I don't send those people money, but because I don't believe in waste, I use what they send me. Indeed I have one of those stickers right here on the bottom of my laptop. Here, I'll peel it off.

Sometimes when I pick up the morning paper at Hampton Bagel when there's a big line of people waiting at the counter for service, I cut in front of everybody, slide my 50 cents onto the edge of the counter where the clerk can see it and then skip out of the store with everybody still waiting in line.

I use drugs. In fact, I am taking a drug right now. It's for a cold and I got it at the drug store.

When I was single and went on a date and suggested to the date that maybe we should go up to my place and have a cup of coffee, it was not what I had in mind.

No wait. I have a four-wheel drive Tahoe I like to drive on the beach in the wintertime. One beach driving sticker I get is for the New York State beach in Napeague that, to get it, you have to have in your car fishing rods, bait buckets, hooks and line. I have those things and so I go out on the beach. But I don't fish. I write on my laptop. If a police officer were to come along, however, I would get everything out and start fishing.

One more thing. I'm a male prostitute working for a very prestigious prostitution ring based in Washington, D.C., and that's why sometimes I'm out of town. Occasionally I get a call for a $4,000 date where I do a few things, or a $5,000 date where I do a few more things or the same things but better, and the women involved are high level Senatresses, Congresswomen and Governesses. For example, Jodi Rell is the Governess of Connecticut. I'm not saying it was she. And I'm not saying it was Senator Hillary Clinton. Those are just examples of people who are women and who have high public office.

So, I'm prepared to name names, but only if someone who would like to back me in a new aftershave line I have created in a lab in my basement. Dan's Aftershave. I also have plans for Dan's Secret, which is a men's clothing store. And I need an agent. I have a song on YouTube. And some really sexy photos of me almost nude.

Also, I do not have a permit from the Town of East Hampton for the lab in my basement, but as I've written this I have gone down there and filed for the variance, so I've made things right.