Dans Hamptons

Raccoon In The House
A man in East Hampton called the police when he spotted a raccoon in his house on the second floor. He then watched the animal scamper away from him and disappear into a hole in the wall. Police did not attempt to catch the raccoon, but instead, told him to call a pest control company. The man then told police that he would have done that in the first place, but felt that raccoons were simply too cute to be “pests.”

Bra And Panties Two women were caught stealing bras and panties from a store in East Hampton. When the owner of the store confronted them, they dropped the bras and panties, ran out the door and escaped in a green SUV. This writer has exposed this report so that he may have the opportunity to use the words “bras” and “panties” in a family newspaper.

Baby Seal A black and gray baby seal was spotted at an East Hampton beach and police were called to the scene. The police contacted the Riverhead Foundation for Marine Research and Preservation and a team was sent to help the animal. When they approached the seal, they asked him if he was okay, to which he replied, “I’m totally fine, thank you. I was supposed to meet my friends here, but I’m here alone because they don’t have the proper parking permits.”

Model Sandwich A deli owner from Springs reported to police that somebody had stolen a giant model sandwich that was placed on top of the deli to attract customers. An investigation is underway, but in the meantime, the deli owner is holding an “open call” for all sandwich models in the area.

Sold Poodle A woman in Southampton hired a man to watch her poodle while she was away on vacation. The man agreed, but instead of watching the poodle, the man decided to sell it to another man in Hampton Bays for $800. Police were called and sent Ace Ventura on the case.

Bulldozer Theft Somebody stole a bulldozer from a jobsite in Southampton by loading it onto a trailer and driving off with it sometime around Thanksgiving. The $5,000 bulldozer will need to be replaced. Somebody actually had the nerve to roll up to a construction site and throw a bulldozer on a tractor-trailer and take off. Now, that is ridiculous. Next thing you know, a wrecking ball will disappear.

No Dodge Somebody keyed a 2002 Dodge Intrepid in five places, according to a police report issued for Southampton. Apparently, Dodges can’t dodge key attacks.

40 Ounces To Freedom A 19-year-old was sentenced last week by an East Hampton judge after he was caught stealing a 40-ounce bottle of beer from a local gas station. Ironically, police were listening to the famous Sublime album 40 Ounces To Freedom when the arrest was made.