Dans Hamptons

“WHY do I have to do this, Shelly?”

“Because you’re a parent, Joe. Now sit down and when she comes in, look interested.”

“I can’t look interested in coloring eggs. This dye is going to get all over my fingers and I’m going to have to go to work with multicolored fingers tomorrow.”

“Man up, will ya? The dye won’t touch your fingers if you use this wire dipper.”

“This flimsy thing? This won’t support an egg...my father didn’t color eggs. We did this with our mother.”

“You are so not getting out of this.”

“What’s all this stuff?”

“This is the Deluxe Easter Egg Decoration Kit. Stickers and wax crayons, so she can make designs, the dye doesn’t take where wax is.”

“You’re not serious. When did they add all this crap?”

“It’s not crap. It’s Easter Egg art. It encourages creativity in children. If you don’t encourage your daughter’s creativity, she’ll be on Oprah in ten years complaining how you stifled her.”

“Not if we sell her to Sudanese slavers first.”

“Tried it already, they want too much to take her.”

“What are these strips for?”

“You hook them together, reinforce them with tape and they create a little stand for the egg.”

“A stand? I thought we were just going to throw them in a basket?”

“Some eggs are so beautiful, they get their own stand. You just have to oooooh and aaaaahhhh.”

“Yuck and bleck are out? Shouldn’t she learn how to handle the truth?”

“She is our child, Joe. Truth will never be part of our relationship, just lying, manipulating and empty threats. And we can expect the same from her.”

“What happened to honesty, love, kindness, Shelly? All the stuff in the psycho books?”

“That’s overrated. It’s just to sell books. Don’t think for one minute that they have it anymore together than we do. Besides, the people who wrote those books have never lived in this house. How long do you think a stranger could stand our delightful Catherine?”

“Catherine the greatest six-year-old lying con artist on the planet?”

“That’s the one.”

“Maybe we should send her to them as a test case.”

“Good idea in theory, Joe, but Dr Phil, the current psycho king, has only raised boys. He thinks girls are innocent, sweet and guileless.”

“Please can we send him Catherine? So he can have a learning experience?”

“No, Joe, it’s too cruel. I don’t want to watch him drink hemlock on his show. But it might knock Anna Nicole Smith out of the news.”

“What’s the latest on her? Is she still dead?”

“Yes, but she was buried with a camera, so we get regular reports on all the networks.”

“Oh, thank Gawd.”

“Alright. We’ve got six colors in six cups, three dipping things, stands, crayons, stickers, paper towels, and two-dozen eggs. I think we’re ready for Catherine. Call her in, Joe.”

“Can I have a shot before I get her?”

“No liquor Joe, not now. We’ll have drink after it’s over. I have the pre-prepared Piña Colada mix in the blender in the fridge. Let her in.”

“Hey, Catherine! How’s my Easter honey bunny?“

“Hey, look! We got everything ready – eggs, pretty colors, stickers. We’re going to dye Easter Eggs this morning! This’ll be fun!”

“This is stupid! I hate real eggs! They smell! I told Mommy – I just want chocolate bunnies and chocolate Easter eggs. Don’t you ever listen to me? You’re not good parents. Patty has nice parents. Her parents bought already-decorated eggs. They didn’t make her do it herself! They don’t treat her like a slave! I don’t know why they can’t adopt me!”

“NO! SHELLY! STOP! Put down the toaster oven! Catherine, go to your room! You’ve upset your mother. Put it down, baby... She isn’t worth it... That’s my girl... Let go of the toaster... You just sit here - I’ll get the Piña Coladas.”

“I spent the last two hours boiling eggs, Joe. Setting up cups, melting dye tabs...”

“I know, I know. Listen, we’ll sit here and color eggs together. Just you and me, okay?”

“Okay, whatever, I don’t care.”

“Sure. Don’t cry, baby... Look, I’ll put one egg in each cup to get us started. We’ll turn this into a nice morning.”

“What about...HER?”

“Don’t think about HER. She’ll be gone in twelve years. We just have to hang on.”

“We shouldn’t have drinks at ten o’clock in the morning.”

“It’s that or we kill the child, Shelly.”