Dan's Papers - March 28, 2008 - The Hampton Subway Newsletter

Two men, one who has a handsome son and the other who has a beautiful daughter, were privileged to attend the wedding that bound their children in holy matrimony on the Southampton platform of the Hampton Subway two months ago. The subway system was shut down for three days to accommodate this important event. And though some members of the public were upset with this, it was a small price to pay for the joy it brought these two families. In addition to that, it has brought the fathers together for another project, a business project. Ali Xavier Bedoin and Harold Goldenstein have contracted to buy the Hampton Subway and are now in the process of converting it into a stunning and absolutely amazing exclusive private club called the Hampton Subway Club. If you are one of the privileged few who can afford the very best, read on. If you are not capable of sustaining such a level of opulence, please leave off reading here.

The Hampton Subway, prior to its soon-to-be transformation into a private club, is 62 miles of underground tunnels, tracks and platforms, originally built by the wealthy and brilliant New York City railroad baron and general contractor Ivan Kratz in 1932. Constructed of the finest pre-war building materials - the very same ones used in the construction of the New York Subway system that he himself built some years earlier - the system was never opened after it was built. Instead, it lay abandoned and unused. In 1997, a hole dug to remove underground superfund material in Sag Harbor uncovered the Sag Harbor platform and station. By following the tunnels, the authorities then discovered the entire system, which subsequently became the largest privately owned subway system in America, a thriving service that continued until just one month ago, when, unknown to the general public, it was discovered that the Commissioner of the Subway, Bill Aspinall, had looted the treasury of the corporation, thus putting the system in desperate straits. It was then sold to HUSSEIN TEL AVIV CLUB LLD for $2.

Their chief asset, the opulent Hampton Subway underground club, was scheduled to open Memorial Day weekend. But the date has been pushed back to the Fourth of July because of interest expressed by government officials to repurchase the club and return it to public use.

Considering the demands of the principals and the costs they will have to carry in making this conversion, the price would have to exceed $1.1 billion. And so we are of the belief that little will come of this sales effort and so are proceeding to make our opening day plans for the Fourth of July when we expect to have Barbara Streisand, Britney Spears, Roger Clemens, Vice President Dick Cheney and the Ruler of Dubai, Sheikh Mohammed, in attendance. Michael Jackson will perform a reprise of his song "Thriller." A celebrated local disk jockey named Bib Mess, who we expect big things from, will play the original masters of songs sung by Frank Sinatra for the legendary RCA Victor label. All media and the general public will be barred from attending. This is a private affair at a private club and we expect people to respect that.

For those who have the wherewithal, which will consist of at least an eight figure net worth and a cash initiation of $1,000,000, here is what can be expected.

Each train will have nine opulent parlour cars, fully equipped with club chairs, Wi-Fi, mahogany and stained glass, Victorian chandeliers, original art lent to the Club by the Metropolitan Museum of Art, oriental rugs, software experts on hand, masseuses and white glove meal service cooked by a celebrated New York chef. We expect that Daniel Boulud himself will oversee this.

Art from the Met hanging in each car will be changed on a frequent basis, with different painters featured on different trains every week. For our opening week, we will feature artists of the Impressionist period - Cezanne, Manet, Toulouse-Lautrec and Renoir.

The "caboose" of each train will be a chilled wine cellar on wheels from which club members may pick some of the greatest vintages for their personal and immediate consumption. Some trains will have red wine cellar cars, others will have whites. All the information about both of them will be posted at the former token booths of all the stations at the start of every day.

A special cigar car where men can smoke and play whist will be on every train just in front of the wine cellar cars.

There will be special cars for "men only," available by request. There will also be special cars for "women only" by request, each decorated in the special fashion appropriate for each sex. Certain trains on special days will have lectures given by experts on different subjects. The topics and schedules will be posted at the token booths.

Robert Trent Jones Jr. is converting the Noyac-North Sea line into the finest eighteen hole, low numbered all irons golf course in the world. Most of the holes will be straight. There will be a dogleg eighth hole at the Trout Pond turn, which, of course, will also feature an underground water hole.

Each platform will be decorated as a theme that will change monthly. The theme for all the stations will be, for the inaugural month, all the same. The title is "Bon Voyage," featuring balloons, decorations, confetti and speeches from well-wishers in the political community.

As you probably know, there are 12 separate lines. On each train on each day will be a celebrity, walking and shaking hands as he or she moves through the cars. Ask about their private lives.

We are building a separate and entirely secure "Earth Central" club in the back of the Southampton platform that will be offered by private invitation only to our wealthiest and most innovative members. Here, lecturers of the very highest quality will speak. And there will be discussions about the world economy, business changes and possible acquisitions, mergers or divestitures. It will be modeled after the annual retreat at Davos, and what goes on in there will be so exclusive that we cannot even report on it. Eliot Spitzer is being hired to provide security for "Earth Central."

Membership in the Hampton Subway Club, of course, will be highly selective and limited to just a thousand members. Almost all memberships have already been sold. Only a few are left.

If you are interested in joining, please call me, Sean MacTavish, the new club manager, at (516) 527-3566.

And for those interested friends of the former Subway Commissioner, Bill Aspinall, we are pleased to announce that the first conference on the 22 charges placed against him by the DA will be held at the First District Courthouse in Islip on Monday morning at 9 a.m. before Judge Irene Hardman.