Dan's Papers - March 28, 2008

Who in the name of God is running around putting up these hideous posters in all the restaurants in the Hamptons? Whoever it is ought to be shot or at the very least arrested. Before the appearance of these disturbing posters, all the restaurants were wonderful. You could enjoy your meal in peace and quiet. Now, when I come into a restaurant I immediately look around, and if I see that they have allowed this poster to be put up, well, I don't stand for it. It makes my blood boil. I stand up at my table, announce to the entire room what I am going to do, and then do so, slamming the door behind me.

The poster is entitled CHOKING VICTIM. There is a drawing on it that shows how to choke a victim by sneaking up behind him. There is another drawing on it that shows how to choke a victim by knocking him to the ground, straddling and grasping him or her at the throat.

What sick mind would want to teach people how to choke somebody, particularly a victim? And why are they putting them up only in restaurants? I have no idea.

I think our Town mayors and Village supervisors should call emergency sessions to immediately pass a law against the display of these sick posters in restaurants or any other public place. And they should pass another law fining the restaurant owners for every day that they have one of these posters up.

All points bulletins should be issued by the police, ordering all officers to keep a lookout for anyone they see walking along bearing CHOKING VICTIM posters, nails, scotch tape, hammers and thumbtacks.

There are, I am sure, restaurant owners who have steadfastly refused to put these sick posters up. They should be instructed to call the police the minute they see one of these fellows come in.

In some restaurants I have gone to, where there seem to be no CHOKING VICTIM posters up, I have gone into the men's room only to find that they have been posted THERE.

When you think about what goes on in a bathroom - the senators and congressmen who have been passing notes to each other under the stalls, the people loitering in there for I don't know what, and the people who go in there to actually change their clothes in a stall - I have seen this - you have to be out of your mind to think that the addition of this poster is not going to elevate the level of evil thoughts, violence, aggressiveness and sick behavior, not only in that bathroom but also in the main dining room when these people come out and out on the street and eventually, to wherever these people then go. I have no idea what goes on in the ladies rooms.

I have complained to the managers of some of these restaurants. And I have been told that the people bringing in the posters say that there is a health department regulation requiring that these CHOKING VICTIM posters be prominently displayed. Can you imagine the audacity of these people? Will they stop at nothing?

I think that we ought to send a strong message to the owners of the restaurants that insist on displaying the CHOKING VICTIM posters. I ask that you join me in signing the petitions that I am leaving alongside cash registers in the various stores throughout our towns demanding that the restaurant owners take these posters down or we as a group will simply refuse to eat in the restaurants that have them hanging. And how would they like that?

We have to do something. Think of your children. Would you want YOUR children to see one of these posters?

I am told by those in the know that these posters are now being seen at restaurants up the island and even in New York City. If this is true, then this is worse than I thought. The posters may soon be seen in stores and gas stations and spas, for all I know. We must get to work immediately, before the entire country goes to hell in a handbasket.

My editor says that he is going to print a picture of this poster along with this column. I have to tell you that if he does, this will be the last column I write for Dan's Papers. So he has been told.